Talk.

I thought I knew how things would happen this year. I expected so much and yet got so little.

I wanted a change. I wanted my heart to get stolen away. I wanted to not be alone.

Sad part is that I was more alone this year than I have been my entire life. No talks late into the night about life and love and boys and just everything. No love to spend my time with. Not even family to distract me from what I don't have.

I realize that my heart wants so much the chance to love someone. I want someone physically for me to care for. But I keep getting denied. Sometimes I think no one's here because I'm just not someone anyone wants. Other times I just think it's because I'm supposed to be waiting for someone that may never come...may not even exist.

I wonder a lot if things could have been different. If it was things that I said that forced me to be separate from the only one my heart has ever loved. What if it WAS my fault??? How would things have been different this year?

I wonder if I am supposed to wait. It would be so much easier for me if I just knew the truth. At this point, I don't care if Braydon is real or not. I just want to know if I should be waiting on someone specific or if I should be waiting for someone I'm not aware of yet.

I thought 2009 would be 'my year'. It turned out to be anything but. It seems that the farther I get from February 2008, the less chance I have of finding what I'm looking for or having a year that is just for me.

I want 2010 to be different. I want to stop being lonely. I want someone to love and to love me. I want friends that I don't feel like are only around to be entertained. I want a life that was tailor made for me. I want art, and music, and travel, and love.

I wonder if I will get those things this year. I wonder if time will go by quickly like it did this year, and completely leave me behind.

I want to be happy. I am happy, in theory. Everything about my life is blessed. But, at this point in my life, I just want someone to love me. I don't even care if it's near or far, I just want someone to talk to.

Maybe 2010 will be different. Maybe I'll get what I want.

Dreaming My Dreams...

Every Christmas, I think about us. I think about what we would be. What I hope we will be one day.

I think about our dreams and our hopes and our goals.

I think about us.

I think about all of the things we were becoming.

I think about all of the things that we are becoming while we're apart.

We used to talk about adopting. How we wanted children of our own, but couldn't imagine life without having adopted, too.

We used to talk about your goals, and my goals, and where they were going to take us.

We'd talk about you coming here for a year.

We talked about the things we were scared of and the things we couldn't wait for.

We talked about love. How we were only able to make it through the day because we knew that we'd talk to each other at some point during the day. How you were my strength when my parents divorced, and I was your support when your mother passed away. We'd talk about Jane Austen, and our storybook romance. We'd talk about how our love seemed to change and grow everyday. We'd talk about learning each other completely.

And we did. There has been no one that has known me better than you. And I learned how you wanted to be loved as if you were my only heartbeat. Everything I desired, you provided. You were my dream come true. I was your June.

I don't know what happened along the way...where we got separated, or why. All I know is that the deepest parts of my heart ache for you every single day. My ears hear your voice when you're not there. My heart races at the thought of your arms around me. All I know is that somewhere in the world, you're guarding my heart from everything that tries to break it. All I know is that, the longer I wait, the more certain I am that I should be.

I don't know if you'll ever come back to me. I don't know what God's plan is. I don't know if we had our chance and lost it, or if we were introduced only to become the greatest love story ever told. I don't know where you are, or if you still think of me.

All I know is that you were made for me. You are my soulmate and the love of my life. You are my only. You always have been.

All I know is that every Christmas I wait by the door, hoping that when I open it, you'll be the one on the other side.

All I know is that, someday, you will be.



I love you, Braydon. I have been yours since the day I was born. I've known I was yours since the day that we met. And I know that you'll claim me as yours the day you look into my eyes for the first time. That day will be the end. The end of life as we know it. The end of life without each other. The beginning of what we are meant for.


All I know is that, someday, you will be on the other side of that door. I can't help hoping that someday is today...

These Words Are My Diary Screaming Out Loud...

Another year without you. Another year has gone by without you with me.

I think about that all the time. When I first met you, the distance made sense. We were apart because we'd just met. Time would bring us together.

As time has gone on, though, I've begun to wonder why the distance is still there. Do you ever wonder that?? It doesn't make as much sense as it used to. The distance seems to only be there to keep us apart. But why?? Why do we need to be kept apart??

I find that I beg God for that answer almost daily, anymore.

This time of year is always terrible on my heart. I do fairly well during the year, coping with you being gone...being so far from me. But every year, at Christmas, I am struck with the sheer pain of this situation. The pain of the whole year seems to come crashing down on my heart...crushing me to the point of sheer agony. When will I not go through that anymore??

I wonder if you feel the same. Because of the circumstances that finally ended the lie that I didn't know had surrounded us for so long, I find it a struggle to believe you're out there sometimes. But then I wake up in the middle of the night, tears staining my cheeks, from the dream that I have had since the day you told me you thought you loved me. This coming St Patrick's Day, it will have been 4 years to the day since those words were sent to me. 4 years to the day...1461 days since those words...1461 nights that I'll have had that dream.

Something tells me to trust that. I trust that God sends me the same dream every night, because you're out there. It's not any easier to have you gone, but it's comforting to know that I am not waiting for nothing. I wish, sometimes, that I could feel your kiss in the wind, or hear your voice in the rain. Maybe I do, and don't let myself believe it. I don't know. All I know is that it's Christmas again.

It's Christmas again, and I feel so lost without you. I feel like I'm starting so many things in my life that I should be sharing with you. I feel like I'm dreaming my dreams, but part of them are missing. I feel like the pain is just as deep and just as fresh every year that goes by without you.

The holidays are meant to be spent with the ones you love...but every holiday one of the ones that I love isn't here. And every holiday I forget to breathe because the pain is so real.

I hear that song All I Want For Christmas Is You......'I just wanna see my baby standing right outside my door'... I've wished every Christmas that I'd be surprised with you. To open my door and find you there...

One day...One day, it'll be my turn. All I truly want for Christmas is you, love...maybe one day I'll get my Christmas wish. I love you so much. And, no matter how many years go by without you here at Christmas, I will still be waiting until you greet me with your perfect embrace...one day you'll never let me go....and I will never let you go...Hopefully, that day is soon. Because I don't want to spend another Christmas wishing for you to come home...I want you to already be there.

I love you, Braydon. Always.
xxx

I wouldn't mind it if...

Why can't I get over this???

I've spent much of tonight at work fighting tears. I figured if I just let Pandora play, I wouldn't have to worry about running into songs that remind me of him. But I did anyway.

I just want to feel right again. I want to love someone the way I love him. I want him. But I'm still waiting. And it hurts so badly. I don't want to hurt like this.

I wish I knew what to do. I used to know. I know what I would tell other people to do. But that doesn't mean I will take my own advice. It's like I'm a glutton for punishment.

I had my new student orientation yesterday. I'm finally starting a degree program focusing on something that I will actually enjoy. It's almost as much a pursuit of a goal as it is a pursuit of a distraction. I'm ready for it.

I'm going to see Muse in March, then immediately flying to Los Angeles for a few days, then coming home to see John Mayer...twice...I'm ready for March...it's my 'vacation' of sorts. Maybe this will be another thing to take my mind off of how I feel.

I hate that I complain so much. But I don't hate that I miss him.

Failures and Apologies.

It's been a rough week emotionally, to say the very least.

Several days ago, I wrote that I finally was experiencing the heart break that I never experienced in full before. I guess because my heart has been in so much pain lately, I've just been detached, bitchy, different...I hate it.

I hate feeling lied to. I hate feeling like I'm being led on. I hate even more KNOWING I've been lied to or led on. Especially by people that I hold in such high esteem.

You'd think I'd learn to just let go. After all I've been through in my life, you would think that I'd have finally realized that everyone I love is going to leave me. I don't deserve for anyone to stay.

It's my own fault. I say what's on my mind too much. And those things, although meant for one person or the other are always interpreted differently than they were meant. By allllll the wrong people.

I lost Braydon. I don't really know how. But I lost him. And the longer amount of time goes by, the more I feel like it was ME that did something wrong...like I said something or did something to make him leave.

My best guy friend/unbiological brother gets married this coming Saturday. I've seen him twice this week after not having seen him for several months. Even when I saw him, things just weren't the same. And he just didn't seem all there. I don't expect a married man to focus undue attention on another woman, no matter how close we were once...I mean, I expect that. But, I at least expected to be spoken to on a regular basis...or to not always be the one trying to initiate hanging out. Things change. People change. Needs change. And I'm the only one left in our friend group not hitched. Which means that I am the only one that needs their companionship...they most definintely don't need mine.

It's hard. I'm nearing 25. The last of our group to find love and keep it. On top of that realization, I am nursing a shattered heart....wounded to the very core of me.

I used to be so nice...but given the circumstances in my life lately, I've realized that I have somehow lost that.

In my effort to always be honest with people, I have somehow managed to put up these inpenetrable walls. It's my fault, yes, but, at the same time, I can't help feeling disappointed that no one has made a true effort to take those walls down.

When I have needed those closest to me the most, they've disappeared...made themselves unavailable...won't answer my calls...don't respond to messages that need responding to...OR if they DO answer me, they either counter with their own issues or refuse to consider that I might be broken.

I guess I have expected too much. I hate that. And I hate that in the past few weeks I've completely shattered some of my relationships. I've never been good with words and I always hide my feelings until it's too late. I don't want to, but I do it. I always say things that are meant to reveal my feelings that are ultimately so vague that they're taken differently than they were meant.

What have I done??? What have I become?? I'm going into this next year with no friends, it seems. Because Justin is leaving, and Jazz seems to be walking away. With her, that is my own fault. I never say the right thing at the right time with her...and because of that, my ranting about Justin has ultimately pushed her away from me. My own fault. I should talk to her enough for her to know when I'm talking about her and when I'm not. But I don't...One of the few people in my life that I never want to fail, I've failed. No wonder the people I thought would be around in the end, aren't. I always fail.

I deserve this.

I deserve for her to leave. I deserved for Braydon to leave. I deserve to just sit alone for the rest of my life. As much as I've grown in the past 3 years, how could I not have learned not to hurt the people I love??

Jazz, if you read this, you know I'm sorry. I've already told you several times today. But I don't know if you'll read this or if I even have a second chance. Regardless, you have always been a blessing to me.

Braydon, if you are out there...or even if you aren't...I hope you always knew that I love you...I always will. That never changed and will never change. No matter where I am in my life, you're a part of me that won't leave. I'm thankful for that. I need you.

So...for those I have failed, and those I'm sure I'll fail in the future...I am sorry. I hate to make excuses, but this week was not a good week to be close to me I guess. I have hurt and pushed away people I felt would be around. I hope they forgive me and stay, but that is between them and God...and I know God's plan is far bigger than my own. I just hope that I understand myself and them when all is said and done.

One day I will learn. One day I will trust. One day I won't let my walls get in the way of the white flag so many have flown near me before.

I am so sorry.

I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

I've been doing some thinking. For some reason, the past week or so I've felt completely shattered. Like someone's taken my heart and just shattered it.

It's made me wonder how I could possibly feel so broken hearted? How do I get to that point, when there's not been anyone in my life with that kind of hold on my heart in years??

I got my feelings hurt the other day. It was ridiculous. But I got my feelings hurt because my heart already felt tragically sad. A guy friend of mine that I've only spoken to on occasion in the past few months denied me something I asked for. No big deal, except it made me cry. I didn't understand why it hurt me so badly. I mean, on any normal day I would have been fine. And, to be honest, I didn't even expect him to give me what I'd asked for anyway. And yet I haven't felt that rejected in a lonnggggggg time.

I didn't tell him how poorly it made me feel, because I know that my heart made it a much bigger deal than it really was.

But, it got me to thinking. Why on earth am I reacting this way? My heart has actually been awakened recently by two separate guys that have no idea what's going on in my heart. Two guys that I'll likely never tell unless they make the first move. But my heart has actually begun to feel again. It bothers me that I barely know these guys and my heart is feeling this way, but at the same time it's encouraging. I was worried that I'd never find my Braydon because my heart seemed to have romantically shut down.

But, in the wake of this new found feeling, came the most extreme pain I've felt in 21 months.

From the time I learned that I'd been lied to last year, I'd done so well. God has blessed me immensely. I should have broken completely back then. And it should have been so intense that I probably shouldn't have had any chance of recovery. That may sound drastic, but it's the truth. Everything that I'd loved and made my world not only disappeared completely, but was shown to be unfathomably untrue. Utter lies. My whole world and reason for being was gone. I should have become an empty shell of a woman. Instead God carried me through easily the most excruciating times in my life and set me down on the other side of it a much stronger woman than before. All that time, He kept the pieces of my heart glued together without much effort. I fell into His arms completely...I knew that, if I didn't, I wouldn't survive. He was the only reason I was able to breathe some days. My lifeblood.

But, in all of that, I never really allowed myself to really truly break down. I cry every few weeks...I struggle often with that aspect of my life. There are still an insane amount of loose ends and unanswered questions...things that I feel I should know, but have no answers for. But the ultimate breakdown never truly came...just lots of tears...screams into pillows...the works.

Until now.

I realized with the perceived rejection I received the other day that the reason it hurt me so badly was that my heart was exposed. He hadn't exposed it, but I had, in a sense. It wasn't exposed in the raw, get to know you sense, but rather, the shattered into a million irreparable pieces sense.

My heart, unfortunately, has finally broken. I figure this is probably the first step to 'moving on'...not that I'll ever be able to move on from Braydon, but it's the first step to me finding my 'Braydon'...Breaking is the only way to heal. I've forced the pieces of my heart to stay intact for almost two years. I guess I just couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I don't want to let go of Braydon...I think that is where most of these tears come from. I'm afraid of letting my heart heal because part of me feels like if I heal, I'll lose him. I don't want to lose him. But my heart won't let itself stay in one piece. And, now it's broken...and somehow new people have pieces of it that I can't seem to retrieve...I can't repair what's shattering more and more every day, because not all of the pieces fell to where I could see them.

I haven't hurt this badly since the first time I 'lost' Braydon. I don't ever want to feel this way again. But I would rather keep his memory than let myself heal and risk moving on. What if I move on when he's on his way?? He once said that you could spend your life with someone, but you'd almost be cheating them because your heart really belonged to someone else. Will that be me? I don't want to force myself to love, but I don't want to stand here and wait for a memory that may not even be looking for me...that may not even exist outside of my head.

Braydon, where are you??? I wish so much that I knew where you were, or if you exist....I'd wait til my dying day for you if I knew you were out there.


x

Tears.

I want to know you so well that I know every little thing about you.

I want to know all your little habits. I want to know all of your facial expressions by heart.

I want to know you so well that I know exactly what's going through your mind even if I can't see your face.

I want to know the little things.

I want to know how you jingle your keys when you're walking to your car in the cold.

I want to know what makes you cry.

I want to know the look in your eye when you're genuinely happy.

I want to know everything.

I want to know when I'm going to find that guy. The guy that I can know inside out. I wonder if I'll ever get that.

I knew Braydon. I knew everything about him. Every little facet of his personality. But I never got to learn his physical habits...his facial expressions...the tone of his voice.

I want that. Someday I want that. I want to love someone so much, and know them so well.

I can't help but feel discouraged, especially at this time of year...not having that person that loves me like that and the person I love that way.

I want someone with me. I want him with me. Who is he?? Where is he?? When does he get here??

I want someone to know and love and cherish.

I don't want to cry anymore.

Ask Me How I Am.

It's one of those nights. One of those nights where everything around me reminds me of what I still don't have physically with me.

I really should stop watching girlie, romantic movies. It does nothing for my heart, to be sure.

I send him an email everyday. All I want to do is tell him that I love him. Let him know how I am. They always come back to me.

I watched New Moon yesterday, and it was amazing. I've always said that that was the book in that series that I related to the most. I'm at that stage in my Twilight romance.

Braydon loves me. I know he does. And I love him dearly. But neither of us ever felt good enough for the other. Even though God had so clearly brought us together for each other, neither of us could believe our good fortune. He would always apologize for every little thing that he thought he'd done to hurt me. Our love was so intense that any separation, even now, is excruciating. The type of 'pain' if you can even call it that, that feels like a hand gripping your heart and sucking the air out of your lungs. But I know that I can always count on his love to be there for me.

Reason I am saying that is that there were so many parts of that movie that were solidly me. Parts that, had you put a camera in my life, would have been exactly the same points of view and scenes.

When Braydon told me that he thought he loved me, I remember my heart leaping. It was amazing the feeling that brought to me. I remember crying through the whole email.

When Braydon told me that he loved me, I remember so well the feeling of joy and love and thankfulness in my heart...I don't know that my heart could have contained any more emotion on that day.

When Braydon told me that he wanted to spend his life with me, I cried. I cried those tears you cry when the thing you've wanted most in your entire life happens and you didn't quite expect it.

When his beautiful mother passed, I cried in my car for hours it seemed. I called my mom in tears. My heart broke for his family...for him...for me. He'd always told me how much she would have adored me. There's nothing like losing a mother. There's nothing like losing the mother you were going to have. I was shattered. And I know that the feelings in my heart were only a small mirror of the feelings in his.

Last year, in February of 2008, I went to London with the sole purpose of meeting the man I will one day marry. Little known to me, I hadn't heard from him in over a year. The thought breaks my heart, even now. Obviously, I didn't meet him in February of 2008. The very next month, things started to get weird with the people I had met because of him. People supposedly close to him started to get defensive and angry. At that point, I'd already discovered that the photos I knew of the girl named Robyn who was supposedly taking Braydon away from me weren't really her. But I kept those thoughts and realizations to myself. A few weeks later one of the girls I knew because of Braydon messaged me on MSN to send me link after link after link to hundreds of photos of people that I thought I knew. People that were key people in my and Braydon's life. People who, now, I'm not sure were real, because I don't know that I've ever truly seen a picture of any of them. In April of 2008, my world absolutely crumbled. Everything that I knew was gone. I'd drained all that I could out of the girl that claimed she was 'Robyn' hoping to hear some shred of truth...something that would lead me back to Braydon or something that would explain why Robyn chose real people's lives for some screwed up story she claimed she was writing. But nothing fit. Everything she said only served to cause me to question her more. Her answers seemed off, like the puzzle piece that you think fits until you find the piece that actually goes there. Nothing seemed right. Nothing was right. In May of 2008, I realized that I have no idea how to find the man I fell in love with. I realized that there is no trace left behind for me to follow. Everything that I had of him is gone. Just like Edward in New Moon. He just....vanished.

I still dream of him every night. I've had the same dream of him and I since the day he told me he loves me. It's never really changed. The main details are all the same. It's the one thing that I hold on to to keep me from arguing against his existence. He has to exist because I still have that dream. If he didn't, there would be no future in that dream.

In May of 2008, I started crying. For months, I would scream into my pillow the excruciating pain of what I was feeling in my heart. I couldn't grasp what had happened. I still trusted that God knew what He was doing, but that didn't make the pain any less fierce. The sobs would shake my body. I'd wake up with tears down my face and neck, my fists clenched around the pillow that I held so tightly to my face. The way Bella screams and sobs, is the way I did. I cried like that for months. No one ever knew. I put on a good game face during the day or when I was around my roommates, but the pain let itself out at night. It still does sometimes. I still ache for him, but I have learned to fully trust God's hand in my life. It hurts that Braydon isn't here and that I don't know where he is or when he'll come home. But I know that God has a plan so much better than the one that Braydon and I had. A story more beautiful than one that we could have written. But, even still, I have my moments. Every several weeks I still break down the way I used to. It's so hard when you have no idea where or how to function without that person.

I email him every single day. That email just says I love you. It always includes a few short lines about my daily life, but the only parts that matter are the parts that I tell him I love him.

I never want him to question that. No matter the circumstances of our separation or what really happened or the crap that Robyn has put us through, I love him.

And when he comes home again, he'll apologize for leaving, the same way Edward does, and promise to never leave.

Ironic how my life parallels a movie, but beautiful how it parallels the good parts.

Braydon, you don't have to apologize. I am not going anywhere. And when you come home, I will love you the same way I always have........with all of me. You are my only reason to stay alive.

xx

What you want is right here.

I think I'm going to start school again next semester. This potentially makes me stationary for a time. Not entirely, I guess, as the degree can be achieved almost wholly online. I'm looking forward to it, for once. I've finally discovered my niche...I feel like I've found a career that suits me and that I'm good at. So, here's to pursuing it.

This week has been mundane at best. Nothing entirely noteworthy. Just going through the motions.

I have been extremely obsessed with John Mayer lately. I have his newest album on repeat, basically. I bought tickets to his show here in Memphis in March 2010. And I find that I am crossing my fingers like crazy to find a way to meet him while he's here. I was thinking about my Mayer obsession, and realized that, for some reason, I'm so adamant about this because John Mayer's music makes me think of Braydon.

Everything makes me think of Braydon.

New Moon released at midnight in the US. I'm going to see it on Sunday, but am going fully prepared to cry the entire time. This book of the series reminds me most of Braydon and I's forced separation. I relate too well to the searing pain that Bella feels throughout this book.

Not that I ever regret it. I am thankful for those moments, even when they find themselves knocking on my heart again. Lord knows I'd rather feel those aches for Braydon than to never feel him at all.

I'm not really sure why, but something this week has made me completely sure he's out there. Nothing happened to make me think that, really...I just have a calm in my heart. Almost as if he's close...like our 'stars' of sorts are about to change.

I've missed someone my entire life. There has always been this ache for someone since I was a child. But I never knew who it was that I missed all of those years until I met him. And, now that I know, I miss him all the more and love him far more dearly for it.

Someday. Someday soon.

Train.

I seriously wonder sometimes why everything reminds me of him.

I try every single moment of my life to think of things other than him. I really do. But there's something that keeps me from doing that...something making sure he's always at the forefront of my mind. Something making me feel like he's so much closer than I realize, and yet just out of my reach.

Even in my jobs. Every little thing reminds me of him. You know you've gotten in deep with someone when your life separate from theirs becomes a constant reminder of them. For some people, that's good...others, it's terrible. I think, for me, it's a good thing. Although, right now, those reminders make me cry because I don't know if or when I'll ever get to have him.

Yesterday, I was talking to old friends...friends that have been there for me since I met Braydon...friends that know the history and support me completely. I was talking and all these memories that I had somehow locked away, resurfaced...

We were going to get married.

We had so many dreams for us...everything we wanted to do individually complemented the other's dreams. We were so perfect...I mean, there was no part of us that was not meant for the other. He is everything that I have ever wanted, dreamed of, needed...everything I didn't even know I needed until I met him.

I remember, before we started pursuing a romance, he flew home for Christmas. We'd only just met, but he messaged me while he was in Ireland to tell me that he'd heard a song on the plane that made him think of me and made him miss me tremendously. That song was a Train song...

Shortly after he and I decided to pursue a relationship deeper than a friendship, the album For You, It's Me by Train came out. Seriously, most of that album applied to he and I. Every song on that album has a very vivid memory attached to it. Every one of those memories belongs to us.

And now, after 3 years, Train has come out with another album. And I'm listening to it for the first time tonight...it's making me cry. Yet again, Train has proven to be 'our' band. It's almost as if they write for us.

The dust has finally settled down. The sun is shining on these pieces that are scattered all around. This house was everything we knew. It's where we kept our love and every single memory of me and you. Every letter, every note, every dress you wore under your coat, thrown away.

Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor. If we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before. And brick by brick, we'll get back to yesterday, when I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.

The sky has made it back to blue. Everything that's left is telling us the worst of it is through. Home has never felt so right. There's nothing in the way. There's nothing in between us knowing where we're going is inside. Every letter that I wrote. Every dress you never wore under your coat, thrown away.

Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor. If we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before. And brick by brick, we'll get back to yesterday, when I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.

All the pictures that we've taken, and the songs that we have played. They have all kept track and followed back the love that we have made. Now, they're spread out on the surface where we can try to congregate. It's not too late to believe that we can get it all again.

Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor. If we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before. And brick by brick, we'll get back to yesterday, when I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.


I miss him so much. And the events that have come about recently have only served to make that ache that I always have, deeper. I wonder when our time will come. I trust God so much in this, but there's a part of me that wonders where...when...I want to know where he is now. I want to know what has kept us from finding each other again for so long.

Is he close?

...Love, if we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before....


I love love you. xx

Can I Open My Eyes?

This is another one of those days that I miss tremendously the moments that I had with Braydon. There's something that just hits me...it's happened often as of recently.

I miss him every day. That's nothing new. I have never been able to get him off my mind. Everything that I do, say, think, somehow goes back to him. It's amazing to me how falling in love with someone really, truly does tie your entire being to them. There's no part of me that he left unaffected. I know that I would never change that for the world.

I have been able to get through this past year and a half since the tragedy that was the end of what I knew last year. I can't say that I regret that ending, though. Because it marked the end of a lie. It marked the end of the false things that were brought into my life. And, in my humble opinion, has hopefully opened the door to the beginning of bare, honest truth. I know he's out there somewhere, maybe reading this, maybe missing me the same way. And I know that if he is out there, that ending last year means that someday we'll be able to get it right. I find that I pray everyday that he'll come back to me.

Since the moment I met him, I felt that my life was like a movie...or like the perfect Jane Austen love story. Every aspect of my life has been the perfect mix of pain and pleasure. All the best parts have him in it. All the dreams I have when I sleep have him in them. My future, even now, when it plays itself in my head, has him at every part of it. How does that happen?? Do you ever wonder that?

I wonder, because I've spent my entire life praying for the man that I would marry. My ENTIRE life...well, from the time that I realized boys were cute. My hopes and dreams have always involved an unnamed man...a man that I could see in every plan I'd made for myself...a man that supports me the way I'll support him...it's amazing how, when you meet that person, they fit so perfectly into those dreams.

Braydon sent me a song when we first met that he said made him think of us. That song was Dreaming My Dreams by The Cranberries. What a perfect song...I mean, really. I'll be dreaming my dreams with you...my dreams all involve you...there's no place I'd rather be, than in those dreams we have for and with each other.

The reason I even brought him up though, is that something in the past couple of months has really struck a chord deep in my heart. Not that it takes much in reference to him, and not that I know what exactly it is that has brought him so near to my most active thoughts lately...I just know that it's almost as if he's sending me that kiss...that kiss that Fatima sent to Santiago. It's like he's reminding me that he's out there...that he's coming home soon.

I mean, I sit in my room for hours, wishing that I had someone to talk to...remembering the days and nights that we spent every free moment of our days pouring into each others' lives...into each others' hearts. I miss that so much. I miss his words, his companionship, the way his heart echoed my own...the way it complimented my own...I miss what we were...

I know he's out there. There's something in me that tells me he is out there. I don't know if his name is really Braydon or not, but that's not even relevant, to be honest...I just know that there's a heart that is the exact echo of mine out there...and every day I feel as if my heart is continually proving it loves that heart dearly and deeply.

So, Braydon, if you ever find this page...if you ever read this, please know that you've always been a part of me...you always will. No matter where I am, no one will ever have my heart the way you have. Any love other than yours isn't what my heart cries for every night. I miss you. I'm still here. I've not changed. I just want you.

Please....come home.

stroll.

When I was little, I was always a little different than most girls.

My dad was in the US Navy all throughout my school years. When I was in elementary school, I changed schools six times. Something about this made me excited. If you remember anything about your childhood, or you watch children around you, that many 'major' changes in such a short time generally doesn't fare well. But I loved it. I kept old friends and continued to make new ones. At that age, I was heavily addicted to having 'pen pals'. Funny thing is that I never really wrote to them, nor they to me, for that matter. I remember perusing BB & Bop magazines and practically drooling over the pages that advertised getting you a pen pal you didn't know. I loved it. I basked in the idea, even at that young age, of knowing people everywhere.

Funny how some people stay true to their heart as it was. I'm lucky to say that I am one of those few people.

Anyway, I'll touch on that later. I'm trying to remember things from my childhood, cause I've realized lately that all of these things I remember still apply to the woman that I've become. It's so neat to see how my personality was as it is now, even when I was 7 and 8.

Well, looking back on elementary school, I realize that I have fortunately come full circle. The dreams I had when I was that age are still there. The personality I had then, is the same, just matured. It's amazing to see that.

I was so excited to change schools. I loved moving to different places. I was popular and completely content with my somehow cool geekiness. I was the 'it' girl, back then. All the little boys wanted me to like them, and all the girls wanted to be seen with me. It is so surreal to think about, now, because things changed for me, and drastically, within just a few measly months of leaving Florida.

My life was full of KoolAid stands, big bows, and red tights. I did backbends in the yard and played tag in the palm trees. I tried to run away, but only made it as far as the bus stop behind my house...which just so happened to only be a bus stop for school buses...who knew? I caught baby sea turtles and learned how to get milk from a coconut. I walked to the beach with my mom and brother nearly every day of the year. I begged my parents to let me walk to school, but secretly feared that I'd be eaten by a crocodile if I walked alone. I sat in the closet in my fifth grade class with a group of girls and freaked myself out as we told ghost stories and pretended that we saw strange things in the pitch black of that closet. I mimicked my PE teacher's trademark stance of standing on the sides of his feet, and wondered every time how that didn't hurt his ankles. I played Chicken on the monkey bars and fell and nearly broke my nose. I was a hall monitor and was mean as crap. At 10 years old, I tried to step in with my brother's teacher at the same school and figure out a way to keep him out of trouble. I was all of my teacher's pets, and had a cool friend named Toby Schmidtberger. I ate dry Ramen every time I slept over at Jasmine's house and begged my parents for a waterbed every time I came home from her house. I had two beds in my room with matching green plaid sheets...sheets that matched the curtains...curtains that matched the carpet...the carpet that I lost my tooth in for nearly ten minutes after my brother crawled on my face. I was fascinated with my mother's MaryKay stuff and snuck into our hurricane room all the time to play with her makeup samples.

Life was simple. I guess it always is when you're that age.

But I was never a typical girl. Sure, I had Barbie dolls, and I did typical girly play things, but I never dreamt about a grand wedding...or what my wedding would be like at all. Nothing about my future really intrigued me...nothing at all. I didn't pour over beauty magazines or obsess page by page over wedding magazines. I didn't think about wedding dresses, or flowers, or decorations or where I'd want to be married. I just didn't think about that at all. I didn't need boys, but many of my friends were boys. I was more likely to run through the banana spider webs in my backyard, hoping to find the spider that made it than sit prissily running brushes through my dolls' hair. I've just never been a typical girl. Never fit the 'little girl' stereotype. At 7 years old, I'd already broken the mold.

There's something to be said for people that change the way people think about them by being anomalous at a young age.

I don't know that I've ever been one to be truly stationary. I have wanderlust because of growing up in a Navy family. I love meeting new people from all over the world because I'm used to having to start over.

Those days of drooling over the pen pal section in Bop and BB magazines grew me into a girl who uses internet as a tool for networking in her adult life. Had I not whet my appetite for making new friends with people I've never met at a young age, I would not have met him.

Thank God I met him.

bare

I've decided to start blogging again. Not for anyone but myself, really. It's just so much faster to type than write these days. I need an outlet to share my deep thoughts and my extremely trivial ones. I want a place where he can find me.

I feel like circumstances change as our personal lives grow or break. I find that I resent where I am right now, but love what I've learned to get here. There's nothing better than finally giving way to your heart.

I've taken on the responsibility of two jobs and love it.

I work with children in a before and after school program. It's one job that I have continued to return to. Working with children is not only fulfilling, but highly entertaining. I can't lie, though...there are days when I wish that I wasn't working in that job.

And I've found my niche in the travel industry. I've been working at a hotel now for about 2 months, and I have to say it's my favorite job I've had so far. And, believe me, I've had my fair share. The job suits me well, and I am looking forward to spending my life doing this or something similar.

Anyway, that's just a basic update for those that know me, and a disjointed introduction for those that don't.

I'm Mandy. I'm 24. And I'm ready to start telling my stories.