Talk.

I thought I knew how things would happen this year. I expected so much and yet got so little.

I wanted a change. I wanted my heart to get stolen away. I wanted to not be alone.

Sad part is that I was more alone this year than I have been my entire life. No talks late into the night about life and love and boys and just everything. No love to spend my time with. Not even family to distract me from what I don't have.

I realize that my heart wants so much the chance to love someone. I want someone physically for me to care for. But I keep getting denied. Sometimes I think no one's here because I'm just not someone anyone wants. Other times I just think it's because I'm supposed to be waiting for someone that may never come...may not even exist.

I wonder a lot if things could have been different. If it was things that I said that forced me to be separate from the only one my heart has ever loved. What if it WAS my fault??? How would things have been different this year?

I wonder if I am supposed to wait. It would be so much easier for me if I just knew the truth. At this point, I don't care if Braydon is real or not. I just want to know if I should be waiting on someone specific or if I should be waiting for someone I'm not aware of yet.

I thought 2009 would be 'my year'. It turned out to be anything but. It seems that the farther I get from February 2008, the less chance I have of finding what I'm looking for or having a year that is just for me.

I want 2010 to be different. I want to stop being lonely. I want someone to love and to love me. I want friends that I don't feel like are only around to be entertained. I want a life that was tailor made for me. I want art, and music, and travel, and love.

I wonder if I will get those things this year. I wonder if time will go by quickly like it did this year, and completely leave me behind.

I want to be happy. I am happy, in theory. Everything about my life is blessed. But, at this point in my life, I just want someone to love me. I don't even care if it's near or far, I just want someone to talk to.

Maybe 2010 will be different. Maybe I'll get what I want.