These Words Are My Diary Screaming Out Loud...

Another year without you. Another year has gone by without you with me.

I think about that all the time. When I first met you, the distance made sense. We were apart because we'd just met. Time would bring us together.

As time has gone on, though, I've begun to wonder why the distance is still there. Do you ever wonder that?? It doesn't make as much sense as it used to. The distance seems to only be there to keep us apart. But why?? Why do we need to be kept apart??

I find that I beg God for that answer almost daily, anymore.

This time of year is always terrible on my heart. I do fairly well during the year, coping with you being gone...being so far from me. But every year, at Christmas, I am struck with the sheer pain of this situation. The pain of the whole year seems to come crashing down on my heart...crushing me to the point of sheer agony. When will I not go through that anymore??

I wonder if you feel the same. Because of the circumstances that finally ended the lie that I didn't know had surrounded us for so long, I find it a struggle to believe you're out there sometimes. But then I wake up in the middle of the night, tears staining my cheeks, from the dream that I have had since the day you told me you thought you loved me. This coming St Patrick's Day, it will have been 4 years to the day since those words were sent to me. 4 years to the day...1461 days since those words...1461 nights that I'll have had that dream.

Something tells me to trust that. I trust that God sends me the same dream every night, because you're out there. It's not any easier to have you gone, but it's comforting to know that I am not waiting for nothing. I wish, sometimes, that I could feel your kiss in the wind, or hear your voice in the rain. Maybe I do, and don't let myself believe it. I don't know. All I know is that it's Christmas again.

It's Christmas again, and I feel so lost without you. I feel like I'm starting so many things in my life that I should be sharing with you. I feel like I'm dreaming my dreams, but part of them are missing. I feel like the pain is just as deep and just as fresh every year that goes by without you.

The holidays are meant to be spent with the ones you love...but every holiday one of the ones that I love isn't here. And every holiday I forget to breathe because the pain is so real.

I hear that song All I Want For Christmas Is You......'I just wanna see my baby standing right outside my door'... I've wished every Christmas that I'd be surprised with you. To open my door and find you there...

One day...One day, it'll be my turn. All I truly want for Christmas is you, love...maybe one day I'll get my Christmas wish. I love you so much. And, no matter how many years go by without you here at Christmas, I will still be waiting until you greet me with your perfect embrace...one day you'll never let me go....and I will never let you go...Hopefully, that day is soon. Because I don't want to spend another Christmas wishing for you to come home...I want you to already be there.

I love you, Braydon. Always.
xxx