Failures and Apologies.

It's been a rough week emotionally, to say the very least.

Several days ago, I wrote that I finally was experiencing the heart break that I never experienced in full before. I guess because my heart has been in so much pain lately, I've just been detached, bitchy, different...I hate it.

I hate feeling lied to. I hate feeling like I'm being led on. I hate even more KNOWING I've been lied to or led on. Especially by people that I hold in such high esteem.

You'd think I'd learn to just let go. After all I've been through in my life, you would think that I'd have finally realized that everyone I love is going to leave me. I don't deserve for anyone to stay.

It's my own fault. I say what's on my mind too much. And those things, although meant for one person or the other are always interpreted differently than they were meant. By allllll the wrong people.

I lost Braydon. I don't really know how. But I lost him. And the longer amount of time goes by, the more I feel like it was ME that did something wrong...like I said something or did something to make him leave.

My best guy friend/unbiological brother gets married this coming Saturday. I've seen him twice this week after not having seen him for several months. Even when I saw him, things just weren't the same. And he just didn't seem all there. I don't expect a married man to focus undue attention on another woman, no matter how close we were once...I mean, I expect that. But, I at least expected to be spoken to on a regular basis...or to not always be the one trying to initiate hanging out. Things change. People change. Needs change. And I'm the only one left in our friend group not hitched. Which means that I am the only one that needs their companionship...they most definintely don't need mine.

It's hard. I'm nearing 25. The last of our group to find love and keep it. On top of that realization, I am nursing a shattered heart....wounded to the very core of me.

I used to be so nice...but given the circumstances in my life lately, I've realized that I have somehow lost that.

In my effort to always be honest with people, I have somehow managed to put up these inpenetrable walls. It's my fault, yes, but, at the same time, I can't help feeling disappointed that no one has made a true effort to take those walls down.

When I have needed those closest to me the most, they've disappeared...made themselves unavailable...won't answer my calls...don't respond to messages that need responding to...OR if they DO answer me, they either counter with their own issues or refuse to consider that I might be broken.

I guess I have expected too much. I hate that. And I hate that in the past few weeks I've completely shattered some of my relationships. I've never been good with words and I always hide my feelings until it's too late. I don't want to, but I do it. I always say things that are meant to reveal my feelings that are ultimately so vague that they're taken differently than they were meant.

What have I done??? What have I become?? I'm going into this next year with no friends, it seems. Because Justin is leaving, and Jazz seems to be walking away. With her, that is my own fault. I never say the right thing at the right time with her...and because of that, my ranting about Justin has ultimately pushed her away from me. My own fault. I should talk to her enough for her to know when I'm talking about her and when I'm not. But I don't...One of the few people in my life that I never want to fail, I've failed. No wonder the people I thought would be around in the end, aren't. I always fail.

I deserve this.

I deserve for her to leave. I deserved for Braydon to leave. I deserve to just sit alone for the rest of my life. As much as I've grown in the past 3 years, how could I not have learned not to hurt the people I love??

Jazz, if you read this, you know I'm sorry. I've already told you several times today. But I don't know if you'll read this or if I even have a second chance. Regardless, you have always been a blessing to me.

Braydon, if you are out there...or even if you aren't...I hope you always knew that I love you...I always will. That never changed and will never change. No matter where I am in my life, you're a part of me that won't leave. I'm thankful for that. I need you.

So...for those I have failed, and those I'm sure I'll fail in the future...I am sorry. I hate to make excuses, but this week was not a good week to be close to me I guess. I have hurt and pushed away people I felt would be around. I hope they forgive me and stay, but that is between them and God...and I know God's plan is far bigger than my own. I just hope that I understand myself and them when all is said and done.

One day I will learn. One day I will trust. One day I won't let my walls get in the way of the white flag so many have flown near me before.

I am so sorry.