Can I Open My Eyes?

This is another one of those days that I miss tremendously the moments that I had with Braydon. There's something that just hits me...it's happened often as of recently.

I miss him every day. That's nothing new. I have never been able to get him off my mind. Everything that I do, say, think, somehow goes back to him. It's amazing to me how falling in love with someone really, truly does tie your entire being to them. There's no part of me that he left unaffected. I know that I would never change that for the world.

I have been able to get through this past year and a half since the tragedy that was the end of what I knew last year. I can't say that I regret that ending, though. Because it marked the end of a lie. It marked the end of the false things that were brought into my life. And, in my humble opinion, has hopefully opened the door to the beginning of bare, honest truth. I know he's out there somewhere, maybe reading this, maybe missing me the same way. And I know that if he is out there, that ending last year means that someday we'll be able to get it right. I find that I pray everyday that he'll come back to me.

Since the moment I met him, I felt that my life was like a movie...or like the perfect Jane Austen love story. Every aspect of my life has been the perfect mix of pain and pleasure. All the best parts have him in it. All the dreams I have when I sleep have him in them. My future, even now, when it plays itself in my head, has him at every part of it. How does that happen?? Do you ever wonder that?

I wonder, because I've spent my entire life praying for the man that I would marry. My ENTIRE life...well, from the time that I realized boys were cute. My hopes and dreams have always involved an unnamed man...a man that I could see in every plan I'd made for myself...a man that supports me the way I'll support him...it's amazing how, when you meet that person, they fit so perfectly into those dreams.

Braydon sent me a song when we first met that he said made him think of us. That song was Dreaming My Dreams by The Cranberries. What a perfect song...I mean, really. I'll be dreaming my dreams with you...my dreams all involve you...there's no place I'd rather be, than in those dreams we have for and with each other.

The reason I even brought him up though, is that something in the past couple of months has really struck a chord deep in my heart. Not that it takes much in reference to him, and not that I know what exactly it is that has brought him so near to my most active thoughts lately...I just know that it's almost as if he's sending me that kiss...that kiss that Fatima sent to Santiago. It's like he's reminding me that he's out there...that he's coming home soon.

I mean, I sit in my room for hours, wishing that I had someone to talk to...remembering the days and nights that we spent every free moment of our days pouring into each others' lives...into each others' hearts. I miss that so much. I miss his words, his companionship, the way his heart echoed my own...the way it complimented my own...I miss what we were...

I know he's out there. There's something in me that tells me he is out there. I don't know if his name is really Braydon or not, but that's not even relevant, to be honest...I just know that there's a heart that is the exact echo of mine out there...and every day I feel as if my heart is continually proving it loves that heart dearly and deeply.

So, Braydon, if you ever find this page...if you ever read this, please know that you've always been a part of me...you always will. No matter where I am, no one will ever have my heart the way you have. Any love other than yours isn't what my heart cries for every night. I miss you. I'm still here. I've not changed. I just want you.

Please....come home.