Ask Me How I Am.

It's one of those nights. One of those nights where everything around me reminds me of what I still don't have physically with me.

I really should stop watching girlie, romantic movies. It does nothing for my heart, to be sure.

I send him an email everyday. All I want to do is tell him that I love him. Let him know how I am. They always come back to me.

I watched New Moon yesterday, and it was amazing. I've always said that that was the book in that series that I related to the most. I'm at that stage in my Twilight romance.

Braydon loves me. I know he does. And I love him dearly. But neither of us ever felt good enough for the other. Even though God had so clearly brought us together for each other, neither of us could believe our good fortune. He would always apologize for every little thing that he thought he'd done to hurt me. Our love was so intense that any separation, even now, is excruciating. The type of 'pain' if you can even call it that, that feels like a hand gripping your heart and sucking the air out of your lungs. But I know that I can always count on his love to be there for me.

Reason I am saying that is that there were so many parts of that movie that were solidly me. Parts that, had you put a camera in my life, would have been exactly the same points of view and scenes.

When Braydon told me that he thought he loved me, I remember my heart leaping. It was amazing the feeling that brought to me. I remember crying through the whole email.

When Braydon told me that he loved me, I remember so well the feeling of joy and love and thankfulness in my heart...I don't know that my heart could have contained any more emotion on that day.

When Braydon told me that he wanted to spend his life with me, I cried. I cried those tears you cry when the thing you've wanted most in your entire life happens and you didn't quite expect it.

When his beautiful mother passed, I cried in my car for hours it seemed. I called my mom in tears. My heart broke for his family...for him...for me. He'd always told me how much she would have adored me. There's nothing like losing a mother. There's nothing like losing the mother you were going to have. I was shattered. And I know that the feelings in my heart were only a small mirror of the feelings in his.

Last year, in February of 2008, I went to London with the sole purpose of meeting the man I will one day marry. Little known to me, I hadn't heard from him in over a year. The thought breaks my heart, even now. Obviously, I didn't meet him in February of 2008. The very next month, things started to get weird with the people I had met because of him. People supposedly close to him started to get defensive and angry. At that point, I'd already discovered that the photos I knew of the girl named Robyn who was supposedly taking Braydon away from me weren't really her. But I kept those thoughts and realizations to myself. A few weeks later one of the girls I knew because of Braydon messaged me on MSN to send me link after link after link to hundreds of photos of people that I thought I knew. People that were key people in my and Braydon's life. People who, now, I'm not sure were real, because I don't know that I've ever truly seen a picture of any of them. In April of 2008, my world absolutely crumbled. Everything that I knew was gone. I'd drained all that I could out of the girl that claimed she was 'Robyn' hoping to hear some shred of truth...something that would lead me back to Braydon or something that would explain why Robyn chose real people's lives for some screwed up story she claimed she was writing. But nothing fit. Everything she said only served to cause me to question her more. Her answers seemed off, like the puzzle piece that you think fits until you find the piece that actually goes there. Nothing seemed right. Nothing was right. In May of 2008, I realized that I have no idea how to find the man I fell in love with. I realized that there is no trace left behind for me to follow. Everything that I had of him is gone. Just like Edward in New Moon. He just....vanished.

I still dream of him every night. I've had the same dream of him and I since the day he told me he loves me. It's never really changed. The main details are all the same. It's the one thing that I hold on to to keep me from arguing against his existence. He has to exist because I still have that dream. If he didn't, there would be no future in that dream.

In May of 2008, I started crying. For months, I would scream into my pillow the excruciating pain of what I was feeling in my heart. I couldn't grasp what had happened. I still trusted that God knew what He was doing, but that didn't make the pain any less fierce. The sobs would shake my body. I'd wake up with tears down my face and neck, my fists clenched around the pillow that I held so tightly to my face. The way Bella screams and sobs, is the way I did. I cried like that for months. No one ever knew. I put on a good game face during the day or when I was around my roommates, but the pain let itself out at night. It still does sometimes. I still ache for him, but I have learned to fully trust God's hand in my life. It hurts that Braydon isn't here and that I don't know where he is or when he'll come home. But I know that God has a plan so much better than the one that Braydon and I had. A story more beautiful than one that we could have written. But, even still, I have my moments. Every several weeks I still break down the way I used to. It's so hard when you have no idea where or how to function without that person.

I email him every single day. That email just says I love you. It always includes a few short lines about my daily life, but the only parts that matter are the parts that I tell him I love him.

I never want him to question that. No matter the circumstances of our separation or what really happened or the crap that Robyn has put us through, I love him.

And when he comes home again, he'll apologize for leaving, the same way Edward does, and promise to never leave.

Ironic how my life parallels a movie, but beautiful how it parallels the good parts.

Braydon, you don't have to apologize. I am not going anywhere. And when you come home, I will love you the same way I always have........with all of me. You are my only reason to stay alive.

xx