I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

I've been doing some thinking. For some reason, the past week or so I've felt completely shattered. Like someone's taken my heart and just shattered it.

It's made me wonder how I could possibly feel so broken hearted? How do I get to that point, when there's not been anyone in my life with that kind of hold on my heart in years??

I got my feelings hurt the other day. It was ridiculous. But I got my feelings hurt because my heart already felt tragically sad. A guy friend of mine that I've only spoken to on occasion in the past few months denied me something I asked for. No big deal, except it made me cry. I didn't understand why it hurt me so badly. I mean, on any normal day I would have been fine. And, to be honest, I didn't even expect him to give me what I'd asked for anyway. And yet I haven't felt that rejected in a lonnggggggg time.

I didn't tell him how poorly it made me feel, because I know that my heart made it a much bigger deal than it really was.

But, it got me to thinking. Why on earth am I reacting this way? My heart has actually been awakened recently by two separate guys that have no idea what's going on in my heart. Two guys that I'll likely never tell unless they make the first move. But my heart has actually begun to feel again. It bothers me that I barely know these guys and my heart is feeling this way, but at the same time it's encouraging. I was worried that I'd never find my Braydon because my heart seemed to have romantically shut down.

But, in the wake of this new found feeling, came the most extreme pain I've felt in 21 months.

From the time I learned that I'd been lied to last year, I'd done so well. God has blessed me immensely. I should have broken completely back then. And it should have been so intense that I probably shouldn't have had any chance of recovery. That may sound drastic, but it's the truth. Everything that I'd loved and made my world not only disappeared completely, but was shown to be unfathomably untrue. Utter lies. My whole world and reason for being was gone. I should have become an empty shell of a woman. Instead God carried me through easily the most excruciating times in my life and set me down on the other side of it a much stronger woman than before. All that time, He kept the pieces of my heart glued together without much effort. I fell into His arms completely...I knew that, if I didn't, I wouldn't survive. He was the only reason I was able to breathe some days. My lifeblood.

But, in all of that, I never really allowed myself to really truly break down. I cry every few weeks...I struggle often with that aspect of my life. There are still an insane amount of loose ends and unanswered questions...things that I feel I should know, but have no answers for. But the ultimate breakdown never truly came...just lots of tears...screams into pillows...the works.

Until now.

I realized with the perceived rejection I received the other day that the reason it hurt me so badly was that my heart was exposed. He hadn't exposed it, but I had, in a sense. It wasn't exposed in the raw, get to know you sense, but rather, the shattered into a million irreparable pieces sense.

My heart, unfortunately, has finally broken. I figure this is probably the first step to 'moving on'...not that I'll ever be able to move on from Braydon, but it's the first step to me finding my 'Braydon'...Breaking is the only way to heal. I've forced the pieces of my heart to stay intact for almost two years. I guess I just couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I don't want to let go of Braydon...I think that is where most of these tears come from. I'm afraid of letting my heart heal because part of me feels like if I heal, I'll lose him. I don't want to lose him. But my heart won't let itself stay in one piece. And, now it's broken...and somehow new people have pieces of it that I can't seem to retrieve...I can't repair what's shattering more and more every day, because not all of the pieces fell to where I could see them.

I haven't hurt this badly since the first time I 'lost' Braydon. I don't ever want to feel this way again. But I would rather keep his memory than let myself heal and risk moving on. What if I move on when he's on his way?? He once said that you could spend your life with someone, but you'd almost be cheating them because your heart really belonged to someone else. Will that be me? I don't want to force myself to love, but I don't want to stand here and wait for a memory that may not even be looking for me...that may not even exist outside of my head.

Braydon, where are you??? I wish so much that I knew where you were, or if you exist....I'd wait til my dying day for you if I knew you were out there.


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