Here's to 2010.

And so the new year has begun. I still haven't decided if anything truly feels different for me, or if I'm just hyping myself up.

I've started this year with a 'digital cleanse'. Got the idea from John Mayer and, I have to say, it's an equal mix of hard and easy. My life without FB and Twitter and texting isn't that different than it was before this digital cleanse, to be honest. I mean, I check FB out of habit and post on Twitter because I can...not cause I am addicted to it. I've found that the biggest obstacle I've had to overcome in this hiatus is the daily habit of just automatically clicking these places' icons on my phone and starting the app. It's become such a daily habit that I find it hard to not click them. I can't say that I entirely miss either site, though. FB has always been 'meh' to me. Twitter I find harder to leave behind this week, as it's my live feed for the news. Before Twitter, I checked the news on each different website...after Twitter, all the important headlines were automatically being posted in real time in one place. It's been hard to go back to my 'old' ways of going to each newspaper or magazine. Fortunately, Time comes to my doorstep weekly. BBC, however, does not. I also have noticed myself going through the motions in my daily life and hearing a quote or having something happen that makes me want to post a semi-humorous one liner on Twitter. But, I have resisted the urge. Texting has also proven easier than expected. Much because of the holidays and also because not many people text me anymore. I guess being antisocial for part of the year tends to rub people the wrong way ;)

I have to admit, I am impressed. I thought this would be harder for me. And, while I miss the daily interactions I have with some of my long distance friends, I am thankful for the time that I find is freed up during my day for .......sitting around doing nothing....... haha. Really, though, the only thing that I miss is not being able to talk to some of my friends daily. I have a lot of friends in various different countries, and I sure can't afford to talk to them on the phone all the time, and who really uses email anymore? I've found this week that email is, incredibly, a thing of the past. With instant updates like twitter, and the revolutionizing Google Wave, email is basically obsolete. This was one of the few means of digital communication I have been allowed, and no one emails me. It's as if email is a disease and FB msgs are the future. How strange to me, the thing that started my internet life is now a mere cave painting on the walls of the future.

It's been nearly 3 days. 3 days. That's so weird. I have slept more...which is honestly a huge deal. I work two jobs, and sleep is scarce. Or, at least, I thought it was. And then this cleanse started and I realized that sleep isn't scarce, I just waste my available sleep hours on stupid, impersonal websites. Hopefully, by the end of the week, my outlook will have changed in terms of how to better use FB and twitter and text messaging.


I have spent my unused internet time, though, looking into transferring universities. I've spent a fair amount of time researching schools overseas that I can transfer to in order to complete my degree. I'm finally getting excited about where this road God has me on is taking me. I've already started school here in the states in order to pursue what I'm passionate about, but going away for school is a huge dream/goal of mine, and I have decided that I'm going to do it. Researching it has also shown me that the process is really no harder or stressful than getting started in an American university. So, by January of 2011, I hope to be either fully transferred or prepared to transfer to a new university in a different country.

I am also kind of proud of myself. I will never give up on the love of my heart, to be sure, but I have promised myself to stop looking for Braydon this year. It's been almost 2 years since my world shattered to pieces, and I know that part of the reason I am still struggling in my life and my love life is because I haven't let go of this. I always tell my girl friends to let God lead relationships where they're supposed to go, but I find that I very rarely put that to practice. I just twiddle my thumbs idly hoping that God will change my stars. But, at the same time, I keep looking for him. I keep putting myself through the agonizing process of following 'leads' and getting nowhere and falling apart because he is no closer than he was before.

But, what if he was never real? What if he is? Regardless, if Braydon, or whoever my Braydon is, is out there, God will bring him to me. If I stop looking, I won't hurt so much when I don't find him, or get rejected by guys I'm attracted to, or sit at home alone on holidays. If I stop looking, that puts me one step closer to God, and one step closer to letting Him write my love story.

I'm so tired of toiling over whether Braydon was real or not. So many times I have told myself that it doesn't matter if he was real. God blessed me with that time in my life. Braydon may be mine, or he may have been just the mold God used to show me that He could make the perfect man for me. Either way, God has an incredible man out there for me. He's going to love me deeply and truly. He's going to be everything I've ever wanted, needed, asked for and kept secret. He's going to be the counterpart of my soul...my true soul mate. He's going to be absolutely my perfect match. And, what's amazing, is that I know that whoever he is, I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK FOR HIM. The best things in my life have always been given to me. Why do I keep trying to force myself to find love on my own, when love isn't something you can seek and find??

So I've committed to wait. Not in agony and not in excitement. I've committed to wait without limits. I've committed to let my heart relax into a rhythm in tune with God's heart and the music I've set my life to. I'm going to wait....but, like a one part fermata, the rest of my life will continue to create a beautiful song, while the part of my heart that seeks love will just be that single, long note on the bagpipe that everyone knows so well.

Life goes on. And when that fermata has finished its part, the man that enters to take its place will just add to the beautiful melody that is my life. He's out there. And I may know him now...I may meet him tomorrow...I may meet him in a few years....regardless, I am not going to let myself dwell on what was. Because what was isn't what will be. And, what will be will be far more beautiful than what was the first time.

I'm happy. And I'm so thankful for the peace God has laid on my heart to start this year. I don't plan to be any more socially active in real life or online, but I do plan to let my life continue without hesitancy of where I'm going or where HE is. You can't reach that point in the road where the scenery changes if you don't keep walking.

So, here's to a year of taking God's hand and walking to new places and experiences. Here's to a year of not holding back to make sure someone can find me. Here's to a year of not holding back to make sure someone can't find me. Here's to a year that will let me be wholly me again, and not partially me.

I know that my heart cries out often for my heart's echo to come along, but here's to letting him come to me, rather than me looking for his echo.





xx