Talk.

I thought I knew how things would happen this year. I expected so much and yet got so little.

I wanted a change. I wanted my heart to get stolen away. I wanted to not be alone.

Sad part is that I was more alone this year than I have been my entire life. No talks late into the night about life and love and boys and just everything. No love to spend my time with. Not even family to distract me from what I don't have.

I realize that my heart wants so much the chance to love someone. I want someone physically for me to care for. But I keep getting denied. Sometimes I think no one's here because I'm just not someone anyone wants. Other times I just think it's because I'm supposed to be waiting for someone that may never come...may not even exist.

I wonder a lot if things could have been different. If it was things that I said that forced me to be separate from the only one my heart has ever loved. What if it WAS my fault??? How would things have been different this year?

I wonder if I am supposed to wait. It would be so much easier for me if I just knew the truth. At this point, I don't care if Braydon is real or not. I just want to know if I should be waiting on someone specific or if I should be waiting for someone I'm not aware of yet.

I thought 2009 would be 'my year'. It turned out to be anything but. It seems that the farther I get from February 2008, the less chance I have of finding what I'm looking for or having a year that is just for me.

I want 2010 to be different. I want to stop being lonely. I want someone to love and to love me. I want friends that I don't feel like are only around to be entertained. I want a life that was tailor made for me. I want art, and music, and travel, and love.

I wonder if I will get those things this year. I wonder if time will go by quickly like it did this year, and completely leave me behind.

I want to be happy. I am happy, in theory. Everything about my life is blessed. But, at this point in my life, I just want someone to love me. I don't even care if it's near or far, I just want someone to talk to.

Maybe 2010 will be different. Maybe I'll get what I want.

Dreaming My Dreams...

Every Christmas, I think about us. I think about what we would be. What I hope we will be one day.

I think about our dreams and our hopes and our goals.

I think about us.

I think about all of the things we were becoming.

I think about all of the things that we are becoming while we're apart.

We used to talk about adopting. How we wanted children of our own, but couldn't imagine life without having adopted, too.

We used to talk about your goals, and my goals, and where they were going to take us.

We'd talk about you coming here for a year.

We talked about the things we were scared of and the things we couldn't wait for.

We talked about love. How we were only able to make it through the day because we knew that we'd talk to each other at some point during the day. How you were my strength when my parents divorced, and I was your support when your mother passed away. We'd talk about Jane Austen, and our storybook romance. We'd talk about how our love seemed to change and grow everyday. We'd talk about learning each other completely.

And we did. There has been no one that has known me better than you. And I learned how you wanted to be loved as if you were my only heartbeat. Everything I desired, you provided. You were my dream come true. I was your June.

I don't know what happened along the way...where we got separated, or why. All I know is that the deepest parts of my heart ache for you every single day. My ears hear your voice when you're not there. My heart races at the thought of your arms around me. All I know is that somewhere in the world, you're guarding my heart from everything that tries to break it. All I know is that, the longer I wait, the more certain I am that I should be.

I don't know if you'll ever come back to me. I don't know what God's plan is. I don't know if we had our chance and lost it, or if we were introduced only to become the greatest love story ever told. I don't know where you are, or if you still think of me.

All I know is that you were made for me. You are my soulmate and the love of my life. You are my only. You always have been.

All I know is that every Christmas I wait by the door, hoping that when I open it, you'll be the one on the other side.

All I know is that, someday, you will be.



I love you, Braydon. I have been yours since the day I was born. I've known I was yours since the day that we met. And I know that you'll claim me as yours the day you look into my eyes for the first time. That day will be the end. The end of life as we know it. The end of life without each other. The beginning of what we are meant for.


All I know is that, someday, you will be on the other side of that door. I can't help hoping that someday is today...

These Words Are My Diary Screaming Out Loud...

Another year without you. Another year has gone by without you with me.

I think about that all the time. When I first met you, the distance made sense. We were apart because we'd just met. Time would bring us together.

As time has gone on, though, I've begun to wonder why the distance is still there. Do you ever wonder that?? It doesn't make as much sense as it used to. The distance seems to only be there to keep us apart. But why?? Why do we need to be kept apart??

I find that I beg God for that answer almost daily, anymore.

This time of year is always terrible on my heart. I do fairly well during the year, coping with you being gone...being so far from me. But every year, at Christmas, I am struck with the sheer pain of this situation. The pain of the whole year seems to come crashing down on my heart...crushing me to the point of sheer agony. When will I not go through that anymore??

I wonder if you feel the same. Because of the circumstances that finally ended the lie that I didn't know had surrounded us for so long, I find it a struggle to believe you're out there sometimes. But then I wake up in the middle of the night, tears staining my cheeks, from the dream that I have had since the day you told me you thought you loved me. This coming St Patrick's Day, it will have been 4 years to the day since those words were sent to me. 4 years to the day...1461 days since those words...1461 nights that I'll have had that dream.

Something tells me to trust that. I trust that God sends me the same dream every night, because you're out there. It's not any easier to have you gone, but it's comforting to know that I am not waiting for nothing. I wish, sometimes, that I could feel your kiss in the wind, or hear your voice in the rain. Maybe I do, and don't let myself believe it. I don't know. All I know is that it's Christmas again.

It's Christmas again, and I feel so lost without you. I feel like I'm starting so many things in my life that I should be sharing with you. I feel like I'm dreaming my dreams, but part of them are missing. I feel like the pain is just as deep and just as fresh every year that goes by without you.

The holidays are meant to be spent with the ones you love...but every holiday one of the ones that I love isn't here. And every holiday I forget to breathe because the pain is so real.

I hear that song All I Want For Christmas Is You......'I just wanna see my baby standing right outside my door'... I've wished every Christmas that I'd be surprised with you. To open my door and find you there...

One day...One day, it'll be my turn. All I truly want for Christmas is you, love...maybe one day I'll get my Christmas wish. I love you so much. And, no matter how many years go by without you here at Christmas, I will still be waiting until you greet me with your perfect embrace...one day you'll never let me go....and I will never let you go...Hopefully, that day is soon. Because I don't want to spend another Christmas wishing for you to come home...I want you to already be there.

I love you, Braydon. Always.
xxx

I wouldn't mind it if...

Why can't I get over this???

I've spent much of tonight at work fighting tears. I figured if I just let Pandora play, I wouldn't have to worry about running into songs that remind me of him. But I did anyway.

I just want to feel right again. I want to love someone the way I love him. I want him. But I'm still waiting. And it hurts so badly. I don't want to hurt like this.

I wish I knew what to do. I used to know. I know what I would tell other people to do. But that doesn't mean I will take my own advice. It's like I'm a glutton for punishment.

I had my new student orientation yesterday. I'm finally starting a degree program focusing on something that I will actually enjoy. It's almost as much a pursuit of a goal as it is a pursuit of a distraction. I'm ready for it.

I'm going to see Muse in March, then immediately flying to Los Angeles for a few days, then coming home to see John Mayer...twice...I'm ready for March...it's my 'vacation' of sorts. Maybe this will be another thing to take my mind off of how I feel.

I hate that I complain so much. But I don't hate that I miss him.

Failures and Apologies.

It's been a rough week emotionally, to say the very least.

Several days ago, I wrote that I finally was experiencing the heart break that I never experienced in full before. I guess because my heart has been in so much pain lately, I've just been detached, bitchy, different...I hate it.

I hate feeling lied to. I hate feeling like I'm being led on. I hate even more KNOWING I've been lied to or led on. Especially by people that I hold in such high esteem.

You'd think I'd learn to just let go. After all I've been through in my life, you would think that I'd have finally realized that everyone I love is going to leave me. I don't deserve for anyone to stay.

It's my own fault. I say what's on my mind too much. And those things, although meant for one person or the other are always interpreted differently than they were meant. By allllll the wrong people.

I lost Braydon. I don't really know how. But I lost him. And the longer amount of time goes by, the more I feel like it was ME that did something wrong...like I said something or did something to make him leave.

My best guy friend/unbiological brother gets married this coming Saturday. I've seen him twice this week after not having seen him for several months. Even when I saw him, things just weren't the same. And he just didn't seem all there. I don't expect a married man to focus undue attention on another woman, no matter how close we were once...I mean, I expect that. But, I at least expected to be spoken to on a regular basis...or to not always be the one trying to initiate hanging out. Things change. People change. Needs change. And I'm the only one left in our friend group not hitched. Which means that I am the only one that needs their companionship...they most definintely don't need mine.

It's hard. I'm nearing 25. The last of our group to find love and keep it. On top of that realization, I am nursing a shattered heart....wounded to the very core of me.

I used to be so nice...but given the circumstances in my life lately, I've realized that I have somehow lost that.

In my effort to always be honest with people, I have somehow managed to put up these inpenetrable walls. It's my fault, yes, but, at the same time, I can't help feeling disappointed that no one has made a true effort to take those walls down.

When I have needed those closest to me the most, they've disappeared...made themselves unavailable...won't answer my calls...don't respond to messages that need responding to...OR if they DO answer me, they either counter with their own issues or refuse to consider that I might be broken.

I guess I have expected too much. I hate that. And I hate that in the past few weeks I've completely shattered some of my relationships. I've never been good with words and I always hide my feelings until it's too late. I don't want to, but I do it. I always say things that are meant to reveal my feelings that are ultimately so vague that they're taken differently than they were meant.

What have I done??? What have I become?? I'm going into this next year with no friends, it seems. Because Justin is leaving, and Jazz seems to be walking away. With her, that is my own fault. I never say the right thing at the right time with her...and because of that, my ranting about Justin has ultimately pushed her away from me. My own fault. I should talk to her enough for her to know when I'm talking about her and when I'm not. But I don't...One of the few people in my life that I never want to fail, I've failed. No wonder the people I thought would be around in the end, aren't. I always fail.

I deserve this.

I deserve for her to leave. I deserved for Braydon to leave. I deserve to just sit alone for the rest of my life. As much as I've grown in the past 3 years, how could I not have learned not to hurt the people I love??

Jazz, if you read this, you know I'm sorry. I've already told you several times today. But I don't know if you'll read this or if I even have a second chance. Regardless, you have always been a blessing to me.

Braydon, if you are out there...or even if you aren't...I hope you always knew that I love you...I always will. That never changed and will never change. No matter where I am in my life, you're a part of me that won't leave. I'm thankful for that. I need you.

So...for those I have failed, and those I'm sure I'll fail in the future...I am sorry. I hate to make excuses, but this week was not a good week to be close to me I guess. I have hurt and pushed away people I felt would be around. I hope they forgive me and stay, but that is between them and God...and I know God's plan is far bigger than my own. I just hope that I understand myself and them when all is said and done.

One day I will learn. One day I will trust. One day I won't let my walls get in the way of the white flag so many have flown near me before.

I am so sorry.

I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

I've been doing some thinking. For some reason, the past week or so I've felt completely shattered. Like someone's taken my heart and just shattered it.

It's made me wonder how I could possibly feel so broken hearted? How do I get to that point, when there's not been anyone in my life with that kind of hold on my heart in years??

I got my feelings hurt the other day. It was ridiculous. But I got my feelings hurt because my heart already felt tragically sad. A guy friend of mine that I've only spoken to on occasion in the past few months denied me something I asked for. No big deal, except it made me cry. I didn't understand why it hurt me so badly. I mean, on any normal day I would have been fine. And, to be honest, I didn't even expect him to give me what I'd asked for anyway. And yet I haven't felt that rejected in a lonnggggggg time.

I didn't tell him how poorly it made me feel, because I know that my heart made it a much bigger deal than it really was.

But, it got me to thinking. Why on earth am I reacting this way? My heart has actually been awakened recently by two separate guys that have no idea what's going on in my heart. Two guys that I'll likely never tell unless they make the first move. But my heart has actually begun to feel again. It bothers me that I barely know these guys and my heart is feeling this way, but at the same time it's encouraging. I was worried that I'd never find my Braydon because my heart seemed to have romantically shut down.

But, in the wake of this new found feeling, came the most extreme pain I've felt in 21 months.

From the time I learned that I'd been lied to last year, I'd done so well. God has blessed me immensely. I should have broken completely back then. And it should have been so intense that I probably shouldn't have had any chance of recovery. That may sound drastic, but it's the truth. Everything that I'd loved and made my world not only disappeared completely, but was shown to be unfathomably untrue. Utter lies. My whole world and reason for being was gone. I should have become an empty shell of a woman. Instead God carried me through easily the most excruciating times in my life and set me down on the other side of it a much stronger woman than before. All that time, He kept the pieces of my heart glued together without much effort. I fell into His arms completely...I knew that, if I didn't, I wouldn't survive. He was the only reason I was able to breathe some days. My lifeblood.

But, in all of that, I never really allowed myself to really truly break down. I cry every few weeks...I struggle often with that aspect of my life. There are still an insane amount of loose ends and unanswered questions...things that I feel I should know, but have no answers for. But the ultimate breakdown never truly came...just lots of tears...screams into pillows...the works.

Until now.

I realized with the perceived rejection I received the other day that the reason it hurt me so badly was that my heart was exposed. He hadn't exposed it, but I had, in a sense. It wasn't exposed in the raw, get to know you sense, but rather, the shattered into a million irreparable pieces sense.

My heart, unfortunately, has finally broken. I figure this is probably the first step to 'moving on'...not that I'll ever be able to move on from Braydon, but it's the first step to me finding my 'Braydon'...Breaking is the only way to heal. I've forced the pieces of my heart to stay intact for almost two years. I guess I just couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I don't want to let go of Braydon...I think that is where most of these tears come from. I'm afraid of letting my heart heal because part of me feels like if I heal, I'll lose him. I don't want to lose him. But my heart won't let itself stay in one piece. And, now it's broken...and somehow new people have pieces of it that I can't seem to retrieve...I can't repair what's shattering more and more every day, because not all of the pieces fell to where I could see them.

I haven't hurt this badly since the first time I 'lost' Braydon. I don't ever want to feel this way again. But I would rather keep his memory than let myself heal and risk moving on. What if I move on when he's on his way?? He once said that you could spend your life with someone, but you'd almost be cheating them because your heart really belonged to someone else. Will that be me? I don't want to force myself to love, but I don't want to stand here and wait for a memory that may not even be looking for me...that may not even exist outside of my head.

Braydon, where are you??? I wish so much that I knew where you were, or if you exist....I'd wait til my dying day for you if I knew you were out there.


x

Tears.

I want to know you so well that I know every little thing about you.

I want to know all your little habits. I want to know all of your facial expressions by heart.

I want to know you so well that I know exactly what's going through your mind even if I can't see your face.

I want to know the little things.

I want to know how you jingle your keys when you're walking to your car in the cold.

I want to know what makes you cry.

I want to know the look in your eye when you're genuinely happy.

I want to know everything.

I want to know when I'm going to find that guy. The guy that I can know inside out. I wonder if I'll ever get that.

I knew Braydon. I knew everything about him. Every little facet of his personality. But I never got to learn his physical habits...his facial expressions...the tone of his voice.

I want that. Someday I want that. I want to love someone so much, and know them so well.

I can't help but feel discouraged, especially at this time of year...not having that person that loves me like that and the person I love that way.

I want someone with me. I want him with me. Who is he?? Where is he?? When does he get here??

I want someone to know and love and cherish.

I don't want to cry anymore.