sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem.

These past few weeks have been an emotional crap chute & happy party all in one.

I promised myself that I wouldn't do this to myself, but I have to write. It's my only outlet...the only thing that saves me from completely dumping my marbles out on a hill.

As I said, these past few weeks have been insane. The good parts are REALLY good...but the bad parts are REALLY bad.

I've discovered that I care too much.

Last time I wrote here, I mentioned a guy I was seeing. Amazing guy, when all is said and done. But, a behind-the-scenes douchebag. I grew attached enough to him that the fact that he cheated on me is excruciating. The only reason it's excruciating is because I haven't cut him out of my life yet because we work together...I refuse to risk my job because of my personal life. But he wants us to be friends...best friends at that. He wants me to sit and listen to him tell me all the details of how much he really likes this other girl and be okay with it...when he CHEATED on me with her. Excuse my language, but fuck that.

Don't get me wrong...I have made a valiant effort the past few weeks to make this civil and make it work...cause, I do need a good guy friend, and he is trustworthy when he isn't being a douche. But after how he tramples all over me, I don't think I can do this anymore.

What makes things worse, is that he makes ME feel guilty for making him feel bad about hurting me. Seriously?! I am feeling bad for hurting your feelings WHY? I'm baffled. What the eff do you want me around for? Because you realize she has no personality and you can't confide in her the way you do me? Oh. That's sweet. Guess you forgot that when we were dating. Feck you, asshole. I'm done with this bullshit. Again, excuse my language, but I'm super frustrated with this right now.

I'm tired of being a doormat...I'm tired of being the bridge and not the matches. I'm tired of meaning everything and nothing to one person all at once.

Amazing part is that I care and don't care at the same time. I don't want him anymore...I don't want someone that can knowingly trample on my feelings and never feel sorry for it. But, at the same time, I hope he realizes what he's lost. I know he will.

Now, for the good. A few weeks ago, I heard from the one true love of my life for the first time in years. I'm still freaking out. When it comes down to it, he trumps all of the negative feelings I have toward Brian right now. I am honestly scared and excited at the same time. The contact seems real and I would know his writing anywhere. But I'm still slightly afraid of getting it wrong. I just want him here...I want to feel his arms around me and hear him say my name. It will be a few months, but I trust that it will happen. I think my nerves get the better of me sometimes. My heart beats slower now that he's contacted me....it's like I'm more at ease again...he always had that effect on me. I could never truly be upset because his presence alone was calming. Apparently it still is.

He contacted me and I think my heart stopped completely that first time. I didn't even get past the first like before I had to stop and breathe...it was in Irish...I knew immediately who it was. I'm so ready for him to be back in my life. He's the only one who knows how to slow my world down...the only one that gives me unconditional love...the only one that has never wavered and has always loved me....even when I couldn't talk to him, I could feel it. I hope he always felt my love too.

I'm excited about the future we may finally be getting. I just have to wait a few more months til I can have him with me here. I miss him so much, but I know that he has things he needs to do before we can be together...I'm just so excited about him. He's always been my blessing...I'm more thankful for him than anyone in the world.

When it's good, it's really, really good. xx

No One Gets To Stay

I find that I'm indifferent these days. But I'm not really sure what towards.

I keep learning things about myself and about my past that draw me in to realize how blinded I've always been to the truth of things around me.

I've never been one to date. I'm confident, but I tend to feel like I'm wasting people's time. Like, I know when it'll last and when it won't. And, for that reason, I don't like to string guys along through relationships that I knew were doomed to begin with.

But something changed recently. Something in me tells me that I should let someone in sometimes. That I shouldn't just write off guys in my life just because it's not going to lead to marriage. That there are a vast number of things that these men can teach me about myself and that I can teach them about themselves...things that will push each of us closer to who we're truly meant to be with.

God is amazing how he works those things out, too. Right about the time my eyes were opened to this possibility, I was getting the inkling that UTS was going to tell me 'no' this year and that I was going to be stuck in Memphis for at least another 18 months.

Shortly after that, I met a guy. Now, I can tell you right now that there is no long term future for him and I. But I feel right with him...I feel like there's so much that is being filled in and so much that is overflowing. I feel like he's someone I'm meant to be with.

He's a wonderful guy. One of the best I've ever known. He's sweet, respectful, gentle, affectionate, and independent. He's got a smile that could melt the coldest hearts and eyes that just scream adoration.

And he wants to be with me. ME! Who would have ever thought?!

So, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and letting him in....little by little, granted, my I'm making an effort. Maybe he can tear down my walls? Maybe he'll be the one I trust with my secrets. Maybe he'll be the one to understand why I haven't let anyone in.....until now.

Maybe he'll be all of these things without me telling him anything.

My heart still beats for one man...and likely always will have a beat completely separate from the rest of me. But there's no reason that I can't make an effort to love again. Who knows? Brian might be the very thing that sets me free.


xx

the resistance.

I've done a lot of thinking the past few days. It's amazing how the little things tend to change you in the biggest ways.

I'm a leaver. Not so much a leaver as in abandonment, but I don't like to stay stationary for too long. I'm restless. I have extreme wanderlust. And I never say goodbye.

But I've been thinking about who I am and the woman I've become. Overall, the past few years have taught me to be strong and have faith in myself. But, at the same time, I've learned not to trust people and have become exceptionally bitter (although, I would never admit that out loud).

A dear friend of mine, close enough to be a sister, posted something on her tumblr the other day that really hit close to home. She spoke about basically being content in singleness. And she posed the question: "Would you date you?".

Now, I'm neither content nor discontent in my singleness. But the quote itself made me think deeper into who I've become. Now, I wouldn't trade what I know now to the naivete of my mind then, but at the same time, I would almost rather still think highly of people right off the bat.

I actually used to be a really nice person. I thought well of almost everyone, and rarely allowed myself to really expect the worst. I trusted people, and I trusted that everyone has some good in them. I trusted, but was let down. And I was let down hard and painfully.

There was a time when I wouldn't admit the pain I felt because of Braydon leaving. There was a time when I would insist that his disappearance was okay. But, if I were truly honest, it hurt. It still hurts. It's like the harshest form of rejection, however unknowingly it was done.

At the same time, though, I'm not mad about it. I don't hold anything against him. Nothing was his fault. I just refuse to keep denying that I was hurt by him leaving. Because I was. I was hurt badly.

If I continue to be completely honest with myself, I walked away from God completely. I know deep down that He makes everything right in its time. I know that I can trust Him wholly. I know there isn't anything I can't bring to Him and He always lets me break down at His feet and never sends me on my way. But, still, I walked. I spent the better part of a year partying and drinking and playing a 'me' that wasn't me at all. I tried to make myself someone other than who I really am. I had my fun, but nothing ever felt right. I still believe in God, but the relationship I once had is now non-existent.

I've spent countless nights crying over Braydon...wondering where he is....if he's thinking of me...if he's lonely or if he has someone loving him....if he even knows that I exist. I've spent so much time hoping for his return and begging God to send him to me sooner rather than later.

But then I read that quote....would I date me?...and, sadly, I have to admit that my answer was no. I wouldn't date me. I wouldn't want anything to do with the woman I've become. The kind of man that I want to marry won't be bitter and sarcastic, so why should I be? What part of my cruel heart would attract anyone? Who am I?!

So, I've committed to learning to be true to myself again. I refuse to continue hating my circumstances. I promise myself that I will learn from my past and, though it hurts, grow from the pain I have suffered. I find no reason to take my discouragement out on others, and I refuse to do it anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be the sarcastic girl I've always been. I will always know how to laugh. But I refuse to allow my sarcasm and my humor to be infused with the bitterness of a broken heart.

Life goes on. Braydon may or may not come back. I am better for having had the divine opportunity to share a part of my life with him, and if I am lucky I may be able to spend the rest of it with him. But, regardless the outcome, I will make myself dateable again. I want to be someone that people want to know...that people want to be friends with...that he will want to marry.

There's a certain allure to seeing the world in a negative light. It's almost a promise that you'll never allow yourself to be disappointed. But where is the joy in living a life where everything and everyone doesn't see your best face? Where is the joy in never seeing the good in things?

I'm finding myself again. I'm finding my relationship with God again. I'm becoming the woman I was before, and I refuse to let myself keep seeing the worst in things before I see the best. Not only does it hurt me, but it hurts others, whether I know them in person or not.

I will be someone you want to marry. I am by no means perfect, and my past struggles against my heart, but I am and always have been the same girl at heart. I'm just going to let you see that in me again.

xx

take my hand in the meantime.

I convince myself daily that I've 'moved on'. My life moves forward just fine every day. I don't feel like I've put my life on hold. But I guess I have. Some things aren't meant to leave our hearts, I guess. I haven't quite figured out how I feel about that. It's almost too much, sometimes. I keep living vicariously through my memories. I keep crying because I feel like Jonathan and Sara in Serendipity...I feel like I am meant for him, but we met and were meant to live our lives separately for a while until we just happen to run into each other one day.

It's hard to live your life knowing the person you're meant to be with, but not knowing where they are or if they think of you or if they even know you exist.

I fight with myself. I try not to think I'm pathetic. But, in reality, I know that I probably am. I mean, here I am 4 years after he told me he loved me, still holding on. Here I am...4 years later still waiting for someone that I never even met in person. Someone that left at some point, and I had no idea until the person that lied to me finally fessed up.

I keep looking around, hoping there is even a guy that I can watch and see that there are guys that I can get along with that easily. But there isn't one. I haven't even met one that is even a tenth of what Braydon was to me. I don't want anyone else, but I keep hoping that I will at least see someone that has those traits...someone to remind me that he is possible.

You know, I think that the only person that won't think I'm pathetic is him. He'll likely be the only one to ever be thankful for the constant thoughts of him. All I ever write about is him. When I touch on my emotions, he's the first thing and the last thing to come to mind. Do I have no other emotions?

You were my ticket outta here.
I was your dream come true.
You gave me everything I ever wanted, except for you.
I convinced myself that over don't mean over.
I convinced myself that I could fix it all.
Two dreams collided. Maybe we got too excited for our own good.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding each other while the world's all breaking.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
I convinced myself that nothing could ever tear me away.
I convinced myself that we'd look back and laugh at this one day.
Two lives collided. Maybe we got too excited for our own good.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding our breath while the truth all breaks it.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you know that this is where the whole thing went wrong.
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you wanna hear what I have to say?
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you know that this is where the strong will go on?
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
Was you.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding each other while the world tries to break us.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
Was you.

I still write your name...

I read a quote that I posted on Twitter the other day...it said 'I tell people I'm over you, but when I get out a pen, I always write your name'....or something like that. It really hit home with me. Except, I don't get out a pen...every single time I go to write something, it's about you.

I made myself a promise this year to not look for you. By God's grace, I have been able to keep that promise to myself. That's not to say that it isn't hard still. I struggle with the thought of you being somewhere out there and I don't know you anymore. I miss you so much that I can hardly believe I'm still breathing sometimes.

I had convinced myself you didn't exist. Granted, I still cried and I still begged God for you, but I made myself believe that you were a fabrication...someone that someone else made up for fun. But the you that I met initially was totally different from the you I knew as fake...the man I met was so perfectly my match, that I have a hard time these days convincing myself that you weren't real.

So that leads me to where I am these days. I live my life fully. I adore every day that I am blessed with. But part of me is missing. I am happy and mostly content...but I still want you. I still need you. I still pray every night for you. I still write you letters. I still cry at songs that remind me of you. I still feel guilty when another guy shows me attention. I still kick myself for letting you go.

Where are you? I wonder sometimes just how long I will have to wait for you. I know you're out there somewhere. I know that, in time, God will bring us together. But where are you? What are you doing? Do you think of me? Did you wait for me? Do you wish things had gone smoother for us?

I don't like how things turned out...right now. But I know that if things hadn't gone the way they did, our story wouldn't be nearly the statement of strength, patience, and undying love. Someday I know I'll get my chance. Someday God will set up that meeting. I wish that day was today. I can't wait for our time to come.

I love you still. I hope you always remember that...no matter where you are, what you're doing....let that be a boost of strength...just know that someone out there loves you...and while we haven't met yet......know I love you all the more.

xx

TechnoGranny

I read a line in a book today that caused me to reflect...to just think about my life and who I am. This line referred to old women, graying but denying it, struggling to walk with the support of their walkers.

I found myself thinking about me getting old. I thought about the aging process in general. I wondered what I'd look like at 70.

The thought that intrigued me enough to write this was how I would see myself. Would I hate the way I looked or would I embrace it? This led me to wonder just how today's electronic world may affect me as I get older. Has the vain photo caused me to potentially hate how I'll look when I'm old? Will I resent my saggy cheeks and hanging skin because I won't be as 'stunning' as my younger photos?

How has technology changed how we'll view ourselves as we age? Think about it. By the time I'm 70, life will be nothing as it is now. Every passing year, technology advances in huge bounds. So, that considered, 50 years from now, what will society expect of it's graying generation? Or will we have found a way to stop gray hair and saggy skin completely?

Will I be better for technology's influence, or worse for it when all is said and done?

So far.

So far, this year has been pretty good. I have to say that my heart has changed tremendously from the first of the year. I've learned to let go and at the same time made a promise to be the girl I was once before. I used to be nice. Naive, but nice. I wanted to show myself that life's experiences hadn't shut down my ability to feel and feel for others. Thankfully, that came back to me almost instantly. I asked, and God gave. I've been more understanding and nice and have tried so hard to limit my sarcasm and bitchiness.

But, there's always something there to remind me of why I put those protective barriers up to begin with. The burning reason behind what made me such a cruel, bitter, and sarcastic person.

I know that I tore those walls down this week. I know that I did, because I let someone's cruel words make me cry tonight. That hasn't happened in years. And I don't like it. I immediately went into defense-mode. To no avail, as I refused to be as cruel as I've been in the past.

I just wish that I understood what the point of my life is right now. I feel stagnant. I feel like I'm restless and not moving. I feel like God's asking me to be a doormat when I want to be the boots.

Aside from today, this year has been amazing. I took the first week of the year off from the internet to really focus on the people in my life. I wanted to relearn my relationships with people and get my focus off of the internet.

Largely, I'd say I was successful. I find that I don't count on my relationships online. I treasure them, but I don't depend on them to make me happy. I sleep better, I think faster, I'm losing weight. It's crazy what a week away from mindless entertainment will do.

What's even better is that God has really filled the void left in my heart by finally letting go of Braydon. He's shown me that the only way that I'll ever be satisfied in waiting is to allow my heart to be full of love...His love. He's embraced me as his own again. It's a slow process, but I feel like He's healing the parts of my heart that are still raw from the void Braydon left. I'm so thankful for it. This year will be so much different than last year. I now truly trust that God's timing will be perfect. It's easier to miss someone when the missing doesn't suck the breath out of your lungs.

My heart is healing. And when it's done, someone will be there waiting for me. And that person will be the best friend I'll ever have. My counterpoint.





xx

Here's to 2010.

And so the new year has begun. I still haven't decided if anything truly feels different for me, or if I'm just hyping myself up.

I've started this year with a 'digital cleanse'. Got the idea from John Mayer and, I have to say, it's an equal mix of hard and easy. My life without FB and Twitter and texting isn't that different than it was before this digital cleanse, to be honest. I mean, I check FB out of habit and post on Twitter because I can...not cause I am addicted to it. I've found that the biggest obstacle I've had to overcome in this hiatus is the daily habit of just automatically clicking these places' icons on my phone and starting the app. It's become such a daily habit that I find it hard to not click them. I can't say that I entirely miss either site, though. FB has always been 'meh' to me. Twitter I find harder to leave behind this week, as it's my live feed for the news. Before Twitter, I checked the news on each different website...after Twitter, all the important headlines were automatically being posted in real time in one place. It's been hard to go back to my 'old' ways of going to each newspaper or magazine. Fortunately, Time comes to my doorstep weekly. BBC, however, does not. I also have noticed myself going through the motions in my daily life and hearing a quote or having something happen that makes me want to post a semi-humorous one liner on Twitter. But, I have resisted the urge. Texting has also proven easier than expected. Much because of the holidays and also because not many people text me anymore. I guess being antisocial for part of the year tends to rub people the wrong way ;)

I have to admit, I am impressed. I thought this would be harder for me. And, while I miss the daily interactions I have with some of my long distance friends, I am thankful for the time that I find is freed up during my day for .......sitting around doing nothing....... haha. Really, though, the only thing that I miss is not being able to talk to some of my friends daily. I have a lot of friends in various different countries, and I sure can't afford to talk to them on the phone all the time, and who really uses email anymore? I've found this week that email is, incredibly, a thing of the past. With instant updates like twitter, and the revolutionizing Google Wave, email is basically obsolete. This was one of the few means of digital communication I have been allowed, and no one emails me. It's as if email is a disease and FB msgs are the future. How strange to me, the thing that started my internet life is now a mere cave painting on the walls of the future.

It's been nearly 3 days. 3 days. That's so weird. I have slept more...which is honestly a huge deal. I work two jobs, and sleep is scarce. Or, at least, I thought it was. And then this cleanse started and I realized that sleep isn't scarce, I just waste my available sleep hours on stupid, impersonal websites. Hopefully, by the end of the week, my outlook will have changed in terms of how to better use FB and twitter and text messaging.


I have spent my unused internet time, though, looking into transferring universities. I've spent a fair amount of time researching schools overseas that I can transfer to in order to complete my degree. I'm finally getting excited about where this road God has me on is taking me. I've already started school here in the states in order to pursue what I'm passionate about, but going away for school is a huge dream/goal of mine, and I have decided that I'm going to do it. Researching it has also shown me that the process is really no harder or stressful than getting started in an American university. So, by January of 2011, I hope to be either fully transferred or prepared to transfer to a new university in a different country.

I am also kind of proud of myself. I will never give up on the love of my heart, to be sure, but I have promised myself to stop looking for Braydon this year. It's been almost 2 years since my world shattered to pieces, and I know that part of the reason I am still struggling in my life and my love life is because I haven't let go of this. I always tell my girl friends to let God lead relationships where they're supposed to go, but I find that I very rarely put that to practice. I just twiddle my thumbs idly hoping that God will change my stars. But, at the same time, I keep looking for him. I keep putting myself through the agonizing process of following 'leads' and getting nowhere and falling apart because he is no closer than he was before.

But, what if he was never real? What if he is? Regardless, if Braydon, or whoever my Braydon is, is out there, God will bring him to me. If I stop looking, I won't hurt so much when I don't find him, or get rejected by guys I'm attracted to, or sit at home alone on holidays. If I stop looking, that puts me one step closer to God, and one step closer to letting Him write my love story.

I'm so tired of toiling over whether Braydon was real or not. So many times I have told myself that it doesn't matter if he was real. God blessed me with that time in my life. Braydon may be mine, or he may have been just the mold God used to show me that He could make the perfect man for me. Either way, God has an incredible man out there for me. He's going to love me deeply and truly. He's going to be everything I've ever wanted, needed, asked for and kept secret. He's going to be the counterpart of my soul...my true soul mate. He's going to be absolutely my perfect match. And, what's amazing, is that I know that whoever he is, I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK FOR HIM. The best things in my life have always been given to me. Why do I keep trying to force myself to find love on my own, when love isn't something you can seek and find??

So I've committed to wait. Not in agony and not in excitement. I've committed to wait without limits. I've committed to let my heart relax into a rhythm in tune with God's heart and the music I've set my life to. I'm going to wait....but, like a one part fermata, the rest of my life will continue to create a beautiful song, while the part of my heart that seeks love will just be that single, long note on the bagpipe that everyone knows so well.

Life goes on. And when that fermata has finished its part, the man that enters to take its place will just add to the beautiful melody that is my life. He's out there. And I may know him now...I may meet him tomorrow...I may meet him in a few years....regardless, I am not going to let myself dwell on what was. Because what was isn't what will be. And, what will be will be far more beautiful than what was the first time.

I'm happy. And I'm so thankful for the peace God has laid on my heart to start this year. I don't plan to be any more socially active in real life or online, but I do plan to let my life continue without hesitancy of where I'm going or where HE is. You can't reach that point in the road where the scenery changes if you don't keep walking.

So, here's to a year of taking God's hand and walking to new places and experiences. Here's to a year of not holding back to make sure someone can find me. Here's to a year of not holding back to make sure someone can't find me. Here's to a year that will let me be wholly me again, and not partially me.

I know that my heart cries out often for my heart's echo to come along, but here's to letting him come to me, rather than me looking for his echo.





xx