So far.

So far, this year has been pretty good. I have to say that my heart has changed tremendously from the first of the year. I've learned to let go and at the same time made a promise to be the girl I was once before. I used to be nice. Naive, but nice. I wanted to show myself that life's experiences hadn't shut down my ability to feel and feel for others. Thankfully, that came back to me almost instantly. I asked, and God gave. I've been more understanding and nice and have tried so hard to limit my sarcasm and bitchiness.

But, there's always something there to remind me of why I put those protective barriers up to begin with. The burning reason behind what made me such a cruel, bitter, and sarcastic person.

I know that I tore those walls down this week. I know that I did, because I let someone's cruel words make me cry tonight. That hasn't happened in years. And I don't like it. I immediately went into defense-mode. To no avail, as I refused to be as cruel as I've been in the past.

I just wish that I understood what the point of my life is right now. I feel stagnant. I feel like I'm restless and not moving. I feel like God's asking me to be a doormat when I want to be the boots.

Aside from today, this year has been amazing. I took the first week of the year off from the internet to really focus on the people in my life. I wanted to relearn my relationships with people and get my focus off of the internet.

Largely, I'd say I was successful. I find that I don't count on my relationships online. I treasure them, but I don't depend on them to make me happy. I sleep better, I think faster, I'm losing weight. It's crazy what a week away from mindless entertainment will do.

What's even better is that God has really filled the void left in my heart by finally letting go of Braydon. He's shown me that the only way that I'll ever be satisfied in waiting is to allow my heart to be full of love...His love. He's embraced me as his own again. It's a slow process, but I feel like He's healing the parts of my heart that are still raw from the void Braydon left. I'm so thankful for it. This year will be so much different than last year. I now truly trust that God's timing will be perfect. It's easier to miss someone when the missing doesn't suck the breath out of your lungs.

My heart is healing. And when it's done, someone will be there waiting for me. And that person will be the best friend I'll ever have. My counterpoint.





xx