sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem.

These past few weeks have been an emotional crap chute & happy party all in one.

I promised myself that I wouldn't do this to myself, but I have to write. It's my only outlet...the only thing that saves me from completely dumping my marbles out on a hill.

As I said, these past few weeks have been insane. The good parts are REALLY good...but the bad parts are REALLY bad.

I've discovered that I care too much.

Last time I wrote here, I mentioned a guy I was seeing. Amazing guy, when all is said and done. But, a behind-the-scenes douchebag. I grew attached enough to him that the fact that he cheated on me is excruciating. The only reason it's excruciating is because I haven't cut him out of my life yet because we work together...I refuse to risk my job because of my personal life. But he wants us to be friends...best friends at that. He wants me to sit and listen to him tell me all the details of how much he really likes this other girl and be okay with it...when he CHEATED on me with her. Excuse my language, but fuck that.

Don't get me wrong...I have made a valiant effort the past few weeks to make this civil and make it work...cause, I do need a good guy friend, and he is trustworthy when he isn't being a douche. But after how he tramples all over me, I don't think I can do this anymore.

What makes things worse, is that he makes ME feel guilty for making him feel bad about hurting me. Seriously?! I am feeling bad for hurting your feelings WHY? I'm baffled. What the eff do you want me around for? Because you realize she has no personality and you can't confide in her the way you do me? Oh. That's sweet. Guess you forgot that when we were dating. Feck you, asshole. I'm done with this bullshit. Again, excuse my language, but I'm super frustrated with this right now.

I'm tired of being a doormat...I'm tired of being the bridge and not the matches. I'm tired of meaning everything and nothing to one person all at once.

Amazing part is that I care and don't care at the same time. I don't want him anymore...I don't want someone that can knowingly trample on my feelings and never feel sorry for it. But, at the same time, I hope he realizes what he's lost. I know he will.

Now, for the good. A few weeks ago, I heard from the one true love of my life for the first time in years. I'm still freaking out. When it comes down to it, he trumps all of the negative feelings I have toward Brian right now. I am honestly scared and excited at the same time. The contact seems real and I would know his writing anywhere. But I'm still slightly afraid of getting it wrong. I just want him here...I want to feel his arms around me and hear him say my name. It will be a few months, but I trust that it will happen. I think my nerves get the better of me sometimes. My heart beats slower now that he's contacted me....it's like I'm more at ease again...he always had that effect on me. I could never truly be upset because his presence alone was calming. Apparently it still is.

He contacted me and I think my heart stopped completely that first time. I didn't even get past the first like before I had to stop and breathe...it was in Irish...I knew immediately who it was. I'm so ready for him to be back in my life. He's the only one who knows how to slow my world down...the only one that gives me unconditional love...the only one that has never wavered and has always loved me....even when I couldn't talk to him, I could feel it. I hope he always felt my love too.

I'm excited about the future we may finally be getting. I just have to wait a few more months til I can have him with me here. I miss him so much, but I know that he has things he needs to do before we can be together...I'm just so excited about him. He's always been my blessing...I'm more thankful for him than anyone in the world.

When it's good, it's really, really good. xx