Ask Me How I Am.

It's one of those nights. One of those nights where everything around me reminds me of what I still don't have physically with me.

I really should stop watching girlie, romantic movies. It does nothing for my heart, to be sure.

I send him an email everyday. All I want to do is tell him that I love him. Let him know how I am. They always come back to me.

I watched New Moon yesterday, and it was amazing. I've always said that that was the book in that series that I related to the most. I'm at that stage in my Twilight romance.

Braydon loves me. I know he does. And I love him dearly. But neither of us ever felt good enough for the other. Even though God had so clearly brought us together for each other, neither of us could believe our good fortune. He would always apologize for every little thing that he thought he'd done to hurt me. Our love was so intense that any separation, even now, is excruciating. The type of 'pain' if you can even call it that, that feels like a hand gripping your heart and sucking the air out of your lungs. But I know that I can always count on his love to be there for me.

Reason I am saying that is that there were so many parts of that movie that were solidly me. Parts that, had you put a camera in my life, would have been exactly the same points of view and scenes.

When Braydon told me that he thought he loved me, I remember my heart leaping. It was amazing the feeling that brought to me. I remember crying through the whole email.

When Braydon told me that he loved me, I remember so well the feeling of joy and love and thankfulness in my heart...I don't know that my heart could have contained any more emotion on that day.

When Braydon told me that he wanted to spend his life with me, I cried. I cried those tears you cry when the thing you've wanted most in your entire life happens and you didn't quite expect it.

When his beautiful mother passed, I cried in my car for hours it seemed. I called my mom in tears. My heart broke for his family...for him...for me. He'd always told me how much she would have adored me. There's nothing like losing a mother. There's nothing like losing the mother you were going to have. I was shattered. And I know that the feelings in my heart were only a small mirror of the feelings in his.

Last year, in February of 2008, I went to London with the sole purpose of meeting the man I will one day marry. Little known to me, I hadn't heard from him in over a year. The thought breaks my heart, even now. Obviously, I didn't meet him in February of 2008. The very next month, things started to get weird with the people I had met because of him. People supposedly close to him started to get defensive and angry. At that point, I'd already discovered that the photos I knew of the girl named Robyn who was supposedly taking Braydon away from me weren't really her. But I kept those thoughts and realizations to myself. A few weeks later one of the girls I knew because of Braydon messaged me on MSN to send me link after link after link to hundreds of photos of people that I thought I knew. People that were key people in my and Braydon's life. People who, now, I'm not sure were real, because I don't know that I've ever truly seen a picture of any of them. In April of 2008, my world absolutely crumbled. Everything that I knew was gone. I'd drained all that I could out of the girl that claimed she was 'Robyn' hoping to hear some shred of truth...something that would lead me back to Braydon or something that would explain why Robyn chose real people's lives for some screwed up story she claimed she was writing. But nothing fit. Everything she said only served to cause me to question her more. Her answers seemed off, like the puzzle piece that you think fits until you find the piece that actually goes there. Nothing seemed right. Nothing was right. In May of 2008, I realized that I have no idea how to find the man I fell in love with. I realized that there is no trace left behind for me to follow. Everything that I had of him is gone. Just like Edward in New Moon. He just....vanished.

I still dream of him every night. I've had the same dream of him and I since the day he told me he loves me. It's never really changed. The main details are all the same. It's the one thing that I hold on to to keep me from arguing against his existence. He has to exist because I still have that dream. If he didn't, there would be no future in that dream.

In May of 2008, I started crying. For months, I would scream into my pillow the excruciating pain of what I was feeling in my heart. I couldn't grasp what had happened. I still trusted that God knew what He was doing, but that didn't make the pain any less fierce. The sobs would shake my body. I'd wake up with tears down my face and neck, my fists clenched around the pillow that I held so tightly to my face. The way Bella screams and sobs, is the way I did. I cried like that for months. No one ever knew. I put on a good game face during the day or when I was around my roommates, but the pain let itself out at night. It still does sometimes. I still ache for him, but I have learned to fully trust God's hand in my life. It hurts that Braydon isn't here and that I don't know where he is or when he'll come home. But I know that God has a plan so much better than the one that Braydon and I had. A story more beautiful than one that we could have written. But, even still, I have my moments. Every several weeks I still break down the way I used to. It's so hard when you have no idea where or how to function without that person.

I email him every single day. That email just says I love you. It always includes a few short lines about my daily life, but the only parts that matter are the parts that I tell him I love him.

I never want him to question that. No matter the circumstances of our separation or what really happened or the crap that Robyn has put us through, I love him.

And when he comes home again, he'll apologize for leaving, the same way Edward does, and promise to never leave.

Ironic how my life parallels a movie, but beautiful how it parallels the good parts.

Braydon, you don't have to apologize. I am not going anywhere. And when you come home, I will love you the same way I always have........with all of me. You are my only reason to stay alive.

xx

What you want is right here.

I think I'm going to start school again next semester. This potentially makes me stationary for a time. Not entirely, I guess, as the degree can be achieved almost wholly online. I'm looking forward to it, for once. I've finally discovered my niche...I feel like I've found a career that suits me and that I'm good at. So, here's to pursuing it.

This week has been mundane at best. Nothing entirely noteworthy. Just going through the motions.

I have been extremely obsessed with John Mayer lately. I have his newest album on repeat, basically. I bought tickets to his show here in Memphis in March 2010. And I find that I am crossing my fingers like crazy to find a way to meet him while he's here. I was thinking about my Mayer obsession, and realized that, for some reason, I'm so adamant about this because John Mayer's music makes me think of Braydon.

Everything makes me think of Braydon.

New Moon released at midnight in the US. I'm going to see it on Sunday, but am going fully prepared to cry the entire time. This book of the series reminds me most of Braydon and I's forced separation. I relate too well to the searing pain that Bella feels throughout this book.

Not that I ever regret it. I am thankful for those moments, even when they find themselves knocking on my heart again. Lord knows I'd rather feel those aches for Braydon than to never feel him at all.

I'm not really sure why, but something this week has made me completely sure he's out there. Nothing happened to make me think that, really...I just have a calm in my heart. Almost as if he's close...like our 'stars' of sorts are about to change.

I've missed someone my entire life. There has always been this ache for someone since I was a child. But I never knew who it was that I missed all of those years until I met him. And, now that I know, I miss him all the more and love him far more dearly for it.

Someday. Someday soon.

Train.

I seriously wonder sometimes why everything reminds me of him.

I try every single moment of my life to think of things other than him. I really do. But there's something that keeps me from doing that...something making sure he's always at the forefront of my mind. Something making me feel like he's so much closer than I realize, and yet just out of my reach.

Even in my jobs. Every little thing reminds me of him. You know you've gotten in deep with someone when your life separate from theirs becomes a constant reminder of them. For some people, that's good...others, it's terrible. I think, for me, it's a good thing. Although, right now, those reminders make me cry because I don't know if or when I'll ever get to have him.

Yesterday, I was talking to old friends...friends that have been there for me since I met Braydon...friends that know the history and support me completely. I was talking and all these memories that I had somehow locked away, resurfaced...

We were going to get married.

We had so many dreams for us...everything we wanted to do individually complemented the other's dreams. We were so perfect...I mean, there was no part of us that was not meant for the other. He is everything that I have ever wanted, dreamed of, needed...everything I didn't even know I needed until I met him.

I remember, before we started pursuing a romance, he flew home for Christmas. We'd only just met, but he messaged me while he was in Ireland to tell me that he'd heard a song on the plane that made him think of me and made him miss me tremendously. That song was a Train song...

Shortly after he and I decided to pursue a relationship deeper than a friendship, the album For You, It's Me by Train came out. Seriously, most of that album applied to he and I. Every song on that album has a very vivid memory attached to it. Every one of those memories belongs to us.

And now, after 3 years, Train has come out with another album. And I'm listening to it for the first time tonight...it's making me cry. Yet again, Train has proven to be 'our' band. It's almost as if they write for us.

The dust has finally settled down. The sun is shining on these pieces that are scattered all around. This house was everything we knew. It's where we kept our love and every single memory of me and you. Every letter, every note, every dress you wore under your coat, thrown away.

Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor. If we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before. And brick by brick, we'll get back to yesterday, when I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.

The sky has made it back to blue. Everything that's left is telling us the worst of it is through. Home has never felt so right. There's nothing in the way. There's nothing in between us knowing where we're going is inside. Every letter that I wrote. Every dress you never wore under your coat, thrown away.

Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor. If we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before. And brick by brick, we'll get back to yesterday, when I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.

All the pictures that we've taken, and the songs that we have played. They have all kept track and followed back the love that we have made. Now, they're spread out on the surface where we can try to congregate. It's not too late to believe that we can get it all again.

Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor. If we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before. And brick by brick, we'll get back to yesterday, when I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.


I miss him so much. And the events that have come about recently have only served to make that ache that I always have, deeper. I wonder when our time will come. I trust God so much in this, but there's a part of me that wonders where...when...I want to know where he is now. I want to know what has kept us from finding each other again for so long.

Is he close?

...Love, if we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before....


I love love you. xx

Can I Open My Eyes?

This is another one of those days that I miss tremendously the moments that I had with Braydon. There's something that just hits me...it's happened often as of recently.

I miss him every day. That's nothing new. I have never been able to get him off my mind. Everything that I do, say, think, somehow goes back to him. It's amazing to me how falling in love with someone really, truly does tie your entire being to them. There's no part of me that he left unaffected. I know that I would never change that for the world.

I have been able to get through this past year and a half since the tragedy that was the end of what I knew last year. I can't say that I regret that ending, though. Because it marked the end of a lie. It marked the end of the false things that were brought into my life. And, in my humble opinion, has hopefully opened the door to the beginning of bare, honest truth. I know he's out there somewhere, maybe reading this, maybe missing me the same way. And I know that if he is out there, that ending last year means that someday we'll be able to get it right. I find that I pray everyday that he'll come back to me.

Since the moment I met him, I felt that my life was like a movie...or like the perfect Jane Austen love story. Every aspect of my life has been the perfect mix of pain and pleasure. All the best parts have him in it. All the dreams I have when I sleep have him in them. My future, even now, when it plays itself in my head, has him at every part of it. How does that happen?? Do you ever wonder that?

I wonder, because I've spent my entire life praying for the man that I would marry. My ENTIRE life...well, from the time that I realized boys were cute. My hopes and dreams have always involved an unnamed man...a man that I could see in every plan I'd made for myself...a man that supports me the way I'll support him...it's amazing how, when you meet that person, they fit so perfectly into those dreams.

Braydon sent me a song when we first met that he said made him think of us. That song was Dreaming My Dreams by The Cranberries. What a perfect song...I mean, really. I'll be dreaming my dreams with you...my dreams all involve you...there's no place I'd rather be, than in those dreams we have for and with each other.

The reason I even brought him up though, is that something in the past couple of months has really struck a chord deep in my heart. Not that it takes much in reference to him, and not that I know what exactly it is that has brought him so near to my most active thoughts lately...I just know that it's almost as if he's sending me that kiss...that kiss that Fatima sent to Santiago. It's like he's reminding me that he's out there...that he's coming home soon.

I mean, I sit in my room for hours, wishing that I had someone to talk to...remembering the days and nights that we spent every free moment of our days pouring into each others' lives...into each others' hearts. I miss that so much. I miss his words, his companionship, the way his heart echoed my own...the way it complimented my own...I miss what we were...

I know he's out there. There's something in me that tells me he is out there. I don't know if his name is really Braydon or not, but that's not even relevant, to be honest...I just know that there's a heart that is the exact echo of mine out there...and every day I feel as if my heart is continually proving it loves that heart dearly and deeply.

So, Braydon, if you ever find this page...if you ever read this, please know that you've always been a part of me...you always will. No matter where I am, no one will ever have my heart the way you have. Any love other than yours isn't what my heart cries for every night. I miss you. I'm still here. I've not changed. I just want you.

Please....come home.

stroll.

When I was little, I was always a little different than most girls.

My dad was in the US Navy all throughout my school years. When I was in elementary school, I changed schools six times. Something about this made me excited. If you remember anything about your childhood, or you watch children around you, that many 'major' changes in such a short time generally doesn't fare well. But I loved it. I kept old friends and continued to make new ones. At that age, I was heavily addicted to having 'pen pals'. Funny thing is that I never really wrote to them, nor they to me, for that matter. I remember perusing BB & Bop magazines and practically drooling over the pages that advertised getting you a pen pal you didn't know. I loved it. I basked in the idea, even at that young age, of knowing people everywhere.

Funny how some people stay true to their heart as it was. I'm lucky to say that I am one of those few people.

Anyway, I'll touch on that later. I'm trying to remember things from my childhood, cause I've realized lately that all of these things I remember still apply to the woman that I've become. It's so neat to see how my personality was as it is now, even when I was 7 and 8.

Well, looking back on elementary school, I realize that I have fortunately come full circle. The dreams I had when I was that age are still there. The personality I had then, is the same, just matured. It's amazing to see that.

I was so excited to change schools. I loved moving to different places. I was popular and completely content with my somehow cool geekiness. I was the 'it' girl, back then. All the little boys wanted me to like them, and all the girls wanted to be seen with me. It is so surreal to think about, now, because things changed for me, and drastically, within just a few measly months of leaving Florida.

My life was full of KoolAid stands, big bows, and red tights. I did backbends in the yard and played tag in the palm trees. I tried to run away, but only made it as far as the bus stop behind my house...which just so happened to only be a bus stop for school buses...who knew? I caught baby sea turtles and learned how to get milk from a coconut. I walked to the beach with my mom and brother nearly every day of the year. I begged my parents to let me walk to school, but secretly feared that I'd be eaten by a crocodile if I walked alone. I sat in the closet in my fifth grade class with a group of girls and freaked myself out as we told ghost stories and pretended that we saw strange things in the pitch black of that closet. I mimicked my PE teacher's trademark stance of standing on the sides of his feet, and wondered every time how that didn't hurt his ankles. I played Chicken on the monkey bars and fell and nearly broke my nose. I was a hall monitor and was mean as crap. At 10 years old, I tried to step in with my brother's teacher at the same school and figure out a way to keep him out of trouble. I was all of my teacher's pets, and had a cool friend named Toby Schmidtberger. I ate dry Ramen every time I slept over at Jasmine's house and begged my parents for a waterbed every time I came home from her house. I had two beds in my room with matching green plaid sheets...sheets that matched the curtains...curtains that matched the carpet...the carpet that I lost my tooth in for nearly ten minutes after my brother crawled on my face. I was fascinated with my mother's MaryKay stuff and snuck into our hurricane room all the time to play with her makeup samples.

Life was simple. I guess it always is when you're that age.

But I was never a typical girl. Sure, I had Barbie dolls, and I did typical girly play things, but I never dreamt about a grand wedding...or what my wedding would be like at all. Nothing about my future really intrigued me...nothing at all. I didn't pour over beauty magazines or obsess page by page over wedding magazines. I didn't think about wedding dresses, or flowers, or decorations or where I'd want to be married. I just didn't think about that at all. I didn't need boys, but many of my friends were boys. I was more likely to run through the banana spider webs in my backyard, hoping to find the spider that made it than sit prissily running brushes through my dolls' hair. I've just never been a typical girl. Never fit the 'little girl' stereotype. At 7 years old, I'd already broken the mold.

There's something to be said for people that change the way people think about them by being anomalous at a young age.

I don't know that I've ever been one to be truly stationary. I have wanderlust because of growing up in a Navy family. I love meeting new people from all over the world because I'm used to having to start over.

Those days of drooling over the pen pal section in Bop and BB magazines grew me into a girl who uses internet as a tool for networking in her adult life. Had I not whet my appetite for making new friends with people I've never met at a young age, I would not have met him.

Thank God I met him.

bare

I've decided to start blogging again. Not for anyone but myself, really. It's just so much faster to type than write these days. I need an outlet to share my deep thoughts and my extremely trivial ones. I want a place where he can find me.

I feel like circumstances change as our personal lives grow or break. I find that I resent where I am right now, but love what I've learned to get here. There's nothing better than finally giving way to your heart.

I've taken on the responsibility of two jobs and love it.

I work with children in a before and after school program. It's one job that I have continued to return to. Working with children is not only fulfilling, but highly entertaining. I can't lie, though...there are days when I wish that I wasn't working in that job.

And I've found my niche in the travel industry. I've been working at a hotel now for about 2 months, and I have to say it's my favorite job I've had so far. And, believe me, I've had my fair share. The job suits me well, and I am looking forward to spending my life doing this or something similar.

Anyway, that's just a basic update for those that know me, and a disjointed introduction for those that don't.

I'm Mandy. I'm 24. And I'm ready to start telling my stories.