Pain & Memories

Some of us are blessed with stories that read like fairy tales...moments that leave us smiling and thanking the powers that be that we have such beautiful things to cherish.

Others of us are cursed with memories...memories of wrongs against us that broke us down and shattered our faith.  Pains that never truly disappear.

I am a heartbreaking mix of both.

My life and memories up until a few years ago were perfect...they were the fairy tale everyone dreams of.  The laughter and the smiles that everyone envies.  I loved (and still love) a man who was everything I had ever prayed for and everything that I had ever secretly wished for in a man.  And he was the perfect echo of my soul.  He was the prototype for the perfect soulmate...when people dream of that person, that person is modeled after him.  He was my heart and my life.

I don't know how or why...I don't know what God's plan was or is...all I know is that he's gone.  I don't know if he'll ever be back, but every part of me wishes and prays that he will be.  But the fairy tale ended when he was no longer part of my life.

The only relationship I've ever had since then was a good one, but it broke me.  I am to a point emotionally that I have completely written off the possibility of me ever finding and loving someone ever again.  As I try to maintain a functioning friendship with the man I dated, I am only ever faced with the excruciating pain that the relationship was wrought with.  I want so badly to forget.  I want to be able to forgive.  But every time I come close, he walks out on our friendship again, throwing the dirt & rocks behind him that were the memories I can't free myself of.

I watched The Vow for the first time tonight.  In watching it, I realized that what's in our hearts never truly changes.  But not everyone has the opportunity to start again...people like me are forced to file away the pains those we love have caused us and hope that there is never a time when our hearts and minds see fit to pull them out of that part of our brains.

I miss Braydon so much.  And I pray that one day he'll be a part of my life again.  My heart is his...and that is one thing in my life that I feel I've never been betrayed by.  I love him.  Someday I hope to touch his face and hold him and tell him just that.

And I want so badly to not lose my friend Brian.  But we have a lot of problems that no matter how I try to move on from them, my heart cannot seem to detach from.  Every time he seemingly gives up on trying to grow and forgive, I find myself drudging through the amounts of extreme pain that he's caused and the terrible reactions I've had.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to keep from thinking of those things...and they only come up again when he's hurt me again.  I need time away, I think...because I want to keep that friendship...I need it...but I can't keep that friendship when the bad keeps trying to overwhelm the good.

Some memories are the most beautiful and perfect moments of our lives...others are the ones that cause as much physical pain as emotional.

I just need to find a 'happy' medium.

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

I need to start writing again.  I'm constantly broken, it seems, with no outlet to let my feelings slide around and be released.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I used to be so aware of where I was and who I was becoming.  But I don't know anymore.  What's sad is that no one cares but me.  There isn't a single person that gives a rip if I cry myself to sleep at night.  There isn't a single person that cares whether I am cheerful at work or sad.  No one cares if I don't do laundry for 3 months.  I'd be one of those people on CSI that no one knew had died until a few months after the fact.  I'm alone...I'm just invisible.

I think I was invisible before, but people were invisible with me...and those people were the people that valued every echo of my heart...they were the people that showed me exactly what it felt like to be loved unconditionally, no matter what parts of my heart I chose to show.

I don't know what I want anymore.  I used to have direction.  I used to be in love.  I used to know where I was supposed to go.  But not anymore.  If anything, I'm lost.  I can't even find where the light is coming through the trees.  I'm lost.  I don't know what direction I should be going in order to keep myself from falling down permanently.

I used to spend every waking moment wishing for a love that would engulf me completely.  I used to want nothing more than to feel what it feels like to be romanced.

Even more heartbreaking than all of this, is that I used to have that love.  I used to have everything I ever wanted.  But I guess I was meant to be alone.  I was never meant to be able to hold and love and kiss the man I loved so dearly.  I was only meant to know he existed and never get the chance to see him.  Every day that I'm alone I fall apart because I'm going through each day without him.

But there is nothing that I can do to make him come back.  There isn't a single thing that I can sing or write or say or do that will change the fact that he's gone. 

He told me once that that kind of love is a what if kind of love...that you'll always be wondering about that person...so much so that you will never be able to love the one you're with because part of you will always belong to someone else.

I miss him so much.  He was the breath that kept me from suffocating...he was my level, the one person that could keep me centered...he was the only person that every knew what it took to keep my world from spinning.

And yet, here I am, spinning out of control with no chance of stopping because I don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore.  I am always going to be alone if he's not here.  There's no one else that loves me the way he did...no one else that made my heart feel so at ease.

I guess that I just don't know how to be anything but empty anymore.  He's gone and I can't change that.  But I also can't change the fact that I can't be completely happy or completely me without him.  He is the sole reason I am who I am today and the reason that I am not as weak as I once was.  He is the reason I have grown into a strong woman...he is Samson's hair to me...with him gone, I am not as strong as I once was.

But how to bring home someone that you can't find anymore??  How do you draw in your heart if your heart is across the sea somewhere only they know?  I miss the echo of my heart.  I miss knowing someone understood me.  I miss being treated as if I meant something wonderful to someone.

Until he comes home, I'll be heartbroken and utterly shattered for the rest of my life.





xx

running 'round leaving scars

I haven't written here in a while. I wonder a lot who sees and reads which blogs of mine. If I'm writing for any reason at all. It's hard to express thoughts online without wondering where those thoughts are being heard...if they're being heard at all.

I haven't really had a lot of time to write much of anything lately. I've been busy. Not because I've decided 'hey, I want to be busy' but more because I didn't have a choice. That's not a bad thing, either. I like not having the time to sit and dwell on the perils of my life.

But sometimes, you have to.

These past few days have been that 'time' for me.

Braydon contacted me back in September. I believe that was the last time that I wrote here. Given the circumstances, it's so hard to say whether it's him or not. Until he actually arrives here, I think everyone agrees that there are a million 'unknowns'. There is so much that I can't fully trust in until he gets here. I trust God completely. And I know that, once he arrives, my heart will be at the most peace it's been in years. I already feel at ease just knowing that he's somewhere out there, loving me. But, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm slightly scared. I refuse to let myself get in too deeply until he is here, in my arms. I was scarred by Robyn so many years ago. I am afraid of being played again. And while the way that he wrote to me was the man I'd first met, I am waiting for his arrival. Desperately waiting, as my heart so wants to show him how much I still love him. The further it gets from the time I expected him, the more anxious I am becoming. I expected him last month. Here it is, the second week of February and he's still not here. I am praying for a pleasant surprise between Valentine's Day and my birthday. We will see, yeah?

Anyway, I have always known where my heart lies in that situation. I know the decisions I will face, and have already planned accordingly.

But God brings so many people into my life.

I wrote about Brian a few months ago, too. Until recently, Brian and I had stopped speaking outside of work. I am the kind of friend that will always always be there for people...I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet, even when I've been burned countless times. I have always considered myself Brian's friend, but I was not about to continue investing in a friendship that he didn't understand the meaning of. For him, walking all over me and abusing me emotionally wasn't a sign that we were on bad footing. For me, it was a red flag that it was time to fade into the shadows for a while.

And I did. I faded from his life almost entirely. At Christmas, he told me that he was in love with me and that he would be for the rest of his life. In January, he told me that he was still getting over me. Yesterday, he told me that he realized that he had made a mistake and let me go when I was the best thing to ever happen to him.

I feel for Brian. I love Brian, but I was never in love with Brian. But I can't do this. He willingly shattered my feelings daily. He chose to ignore everything good I ever did for him. But he wants back in. I want to let him in again....he was one of my best friends. But I don't know that I can....or even if I'm entirely willing. I don't know, because I know, already, that he is hoping it will go somewhere that I can't and won't ever go with him again. I know he needs me....but I think he believes he needs me for different reasons than he truly does.

My life is literally in pieces lately. Not in an 'I'm broken and need to find myself' kind of way, but in a 'let's get it all together and build it differently' kind of way. I've had pieces of my life invested all over the place, and it's time to organize all of them again. But it's hard for me to organize anything in my life because the major players aren't in place yet.

I miss Braydon. He was, very much, my inner peace...he was my Jasper...I want him home...I want my heart closer to me again.

xx

sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem.

These past few weeks have been an emotional crap chute & happy party all in one.

I promised myself that I wouldn't do this to myself, but I have to write. It's my only outlet...the only thing that saves me from completely dumping my marbles out on a hill.

As I said, these past few weeks have been insane. The good parts are REALLY good...but the bad parts are REALLY bad.

I've discovered that I care too much.

Last time I wrote here, I mentioned a guy I was seeing. Amazing guy, when all is said and done. But, a behind-the-scenes douchebag. I grew attached enough to him that the fact that he cheated on me is excruciating. The only reason it's excruciating is because I haven't cut him out of my life yet because we work together...I refuse to risk my job because of my personal life. But he wants us to be friends...best friends at that. He wants me to sit and listen to him tell me all the details of how much he really likes this other girl and be okay with it...when he CHEATED on me with her. Excuse my language, but fuck that.

Don't get me wrong...I have made a valiant effort the past few weeks to make this civil and make it work...cause, I do need a good guy friend, and he is trustworthy when he isn't being a douche. But after how he tramples all over me, I don't think I can do this anymore.

What makes things worse, is that he makes ME feel guilty for making him feel bad about hurting me. Seriously?! I am feeling bad for hurting your feelings WHY? I'm baffled. What the eff do you want me around for? Because you realize she has no personality and you can't confide in her the way you do me? Oh. That's sweet. Guess you forgot that when we were dating. Feck you, asshole. I'm done with this bullshit. Again, excuse my language, but I'm super frustrated with this right now.

I'm tired of being a doormat...I'm tired of being the bridge and not the matches. I'm tired of meaning everything and nothing to one person all at once.

Amazing part is that I care and don't care at the same time. I don't want him anymore...I don't want someone that can knowingly trample on my feelings and never feel sorry for it. But, at the same time, I hope he realizes what he's lost. I know he will.

Now, for the good. A few weeks ago, I heard from the one true love of my life for the first time in years. I'm still freaking out. When it comes down to it, he trumps all of the negative feelings I have toward Brian right now. I am honestly scared and excited at the same time. The contact seems real and I would know his writing anywhere. But I'm still slightly afraid of getting it wrong. I just want him here...I want to feel his arms around me and hear him say my name. It will be a few months, but I trust that it will happen. I think my nerves get the better of me sometimes. My heart beats slower now that he's contacted me....it's like I'm more at ease again...he always had that effect on me. I could never truly be upset because his presence alone was calming. Apparently it still is.

He contacted me and I think my heart stopped completely that first time. I didn't even get past the first like before I had to stop and breathe...it was in Irish...I knew immediately who it was. I'm so ready for him to be back in my life. He's the only one who knows how to slow my world down...the only one that gives me unconditional love...the only one that has never wavered and has always loved me....even when I couldn't talk to him, I could feel it. I hope he always felt my love too.

I'm excited about the future we may finally be getting. I just have to wait a few more months til I can have him with me here. I miss him so much, but I know that he has things he needs to do before we can be together...I'm just so excited about him. He's always been my blessing...I'm more thankful for him than anyone in the world.

When it's good, it's really, really good. xx

No One Gets To Stay

I find that I'm indifferent these days. But I'm not really sure what towards.

I keep learning things about myself and about my past that draw me in to realize how blinded I've always been to the truth of things around me.

I've never been one to date. I'm confident, but I tend to feel like I'm wasting people's time. Like, I know when it'll last and when it won't. And, for that reason, I don't like to string guys along through relationships that I knew were doomed to begin with.

But something changed recently. Something in me tells me that I should let someone in sometimes. That I shouldn't just write off guys in my life just because it's not going to lead to marriage. That there are a vast number of things that these men can teach me about myself and that I can teach them about themselves...things that will push each of us closer to who we're truly meant to be with.

God is amazing how he works those things out, too. Right about the time my eyes were opened to this possibility, I was getting the inkling that UTS was going to tell me 'no' this year and that I was going to be stuck in Memphis for at least another 18 months.

Shortly after that, I met a guy. Now, I can tell you right now that there is no long term future for him and I. But I feel right with him...I feel like there's so much that is being filled in and so much that is overflowing. I feel like he's someone I'm meant to be with.

He's a wonderful guy. One of the best I've ever known. He's sweet, respectful, gentle, affectionate, and independent. He's got a smile that could melt the coldest hearts and eyes that just scream adoration.

And he wants to be with me. ME! Who would have ever thought?!

So, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and letting him in....little by little, granted, my I'm making an effort. Maybe he can tear down my walls? Maybe he'll be the one I trust with my secrets. Maybe he'll be the one to understand why I haven't let anyone in.....until now.

Maybe he'll be all of these things without me telling him anything.

My heart still beats for one man...and likely always will have a beat completely separate from the rest of me. But there's no reason that I can't make an effort to love again. Who knows? Brian might be the very thing that sets me free.


xx

the resistance.

I've done a lot of thinking the past few days. It's amazing how the little things tend to change you in the biggest ways.

I'm a leaver. Not so much a leaver as in abandonment, but I don't like to stay stationary for too long. I'm restless. I have extreme wanderlust. And I never say goodbye.

But I've been thinking about who I am and the woman I've become. Overall, the past few years have taught me to be strong and have faith in myself. But, at the same time, I've learned not to trust people and have become exceptionally bitter (although, I would never admit that out loud).

A dear friend of mine, close enough to be a sister, posted something on her tumblr the other day that really hit close to home. She spoke about basically being content in singleness. And she posed the question: "Would you date you?".

Now, I'm neither content nor discontent in my singleness. But the quote itself made me think deeper into who I've become. Now, I wouldn't trade what I know now to the naivete of my mind then, but at the same time, I would almost rather still think highly of people right off the bat.

I actually used to be a really nice person. I thought well of almost everyone, and rarely allowed myself to really expect the worst. I trusted people, and I trusted that everyone has some good in them. I trusted, but was let down. And I was let down hard and painfully.

There was a time when I wouldn't admit the pain I felt because of Braydon leaving. There was a time when I would insist that his disappearance was okay. But, if I were truly honest, it hurt. It still hurts. It's like the harshest form of rejection, however unknowingly it was done.

At the same time, though, I'm not mad about it. I don't hold anything against him. Nothing was his fault. I just refuse to keep denying that I was hurt by him leaving. Because I was. I was hurt badly.

If I continue to be completely honest with myself, I walked away from God completely. I know deep down that He makes everything right in its time. I know that I can trust Him wholly. I know there isn't anything I can't bring to Him and He always lets me break down at His feet and never sends me on my way. But, still, I walked. I spent the better part of a year partying and drinking and playing a 'me' that wasn't me at all. I tried to make myself someone other than who I really am. I had my fun, but nothing ever felt right. I still believe in God, but the relationship I once had is now non-existent.

I've spent countless nights crying over Braydon...wondering where he is....if he's thinking of me...if he's lonely or if he has someone loving him....if he even knows that I exist. I've spent so much time hoping for his return and begging God to send him to me sooner rather than later.

But then I read that quote....would I date me?...and, sadly, I have to admit that my answer was no. I wouldn't date me. I wouldn't want anything to do with the woman I've become. The kind of man that I want to marry won't be bitter and sarcastic, so why should I be? What part of my cruel heart would attract anyone? Who am I?!

So, I've committed to learning to be true to myself again. I refuse to continue hating my circumstances. I promise myself that I will learn from my past and, though it hurts, grow from the pain I have suffered. I find no reason to take my discouragement out on others, and I refuse to do it anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be the sarcastic girl I've always been. I will always know how to laugh. But I refuse to allow my sarcasm and my humor to be infused with the bitterness of a broken heart.

Life goes on. Braydon may or may not come back. I am better for having had the divine opportunity to share a part of my life with him, and if I am lucky I may be able to spend the rest of it with him. But, regardless the outcome, I will make myself dateable again. I want to be someone that people want to know...that people want to be friends with...that he will want to marry.

There's a certain allure to seeing the world in a negative light. It's almost a promise that you'll never allow yourself to be disappointed. But where is the joy in living a life where everything and everyone doesn't see your best face? Where is the joy in never seeing the good in things?

I'm finding myself again. I'm finding my relationship with God again. I'm becoming the woman I was before, and I refuse to let myself keep seeing the worst in things before I see the best. Not only does it hurt me, but it hurts others, whether I know them in person or not.

I will be someone you want to marry. I am by no means perfect, and my past struggles against my heart, but I am and always have been the same girl at heart. I'm just going to let you see that in me again.

xx

take my hand in the meantime.

I convince myself daily that I've 'moved on'. My life moves forward just fine every day. I don't feel like I've put my life on hold. But I guess I have. Some things aren't meant to leave our hearts, I guess. I haven't quite figured out how I feel about that. It's almost too much, sometimes. I keep living vicariously through my memories. I keep crying because I feel like Jonathan and Sara in Serendipity...I feel like I am meant for him, but we met and were meant to live our lives separately for a while until we just happen to run into each other one day.

It's hard to live your life knowing the person you're meant to be with, but not knowing where they are or if they think of you or if they even know you exist.

I fight with myself. I try not to think I'm pathetic. But, in reality, I know that I probably am. I mean, here I am 4 years after he told me he loved me, still holding on. Here I am...4 years later still waiting for someone that I never even met in person. Someone that left at some point, and I had no idea until the person that lied to me finally fessed up.

I keep looking around, hoping there is even a guy that I can watch and see that there are guys that I can get along with that easily. But there isn't one. I haven't even met one that is even a tenth of what Braydon was to me. I don't want anyone else, but I keep hoping that I will at least see someone that has those traits...someone to remind me that he is possible.

You know, I think that the only person that won't think I'm pathetic is him. He'll likely be the only one to ever be thankful for the constant thoughts of him. All I ever write about is him. When I touch on my emotions, he's the first thing and the last thing to come to mind. Do I have no other emotions?

You were my ticket outta here.
I was your dream come true.
You gave me everything I ever wanted, except for you.
I convinced myself that over don't mean over.
I convinced myself that I could fix it all.
Two dreams collided. Maybe we got too excited for our own good.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding each other while the world's all breaking.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
I convinced myself that nothing could ever tear me away.
I convinced myself that we'd look back and laugh at this one day.
Two lives collided. Maybe we got too excited for our own good.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding our breath while the truth all breaks it.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you know that this is where the whole thing went wrong.
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you wanna hear what I have to say?
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you know that this is where the strong will go on?
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
Was you.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding each other while the world tries to break us.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
Was you.