the resistance.

I've done a lot of thinking the past few days. It's amazing how the little things tend to change you in the biggest ways.

I'm a leaver. Not so much a leaver as in abandonment, but I don't like to stay stationary for too long. I'm restless. I have extreme wanderlust. And I never say goodbye.

But I've been thinking about who I am and the woman I've become. Overall, the past few years have taught me to be strong and have faith in myself. But, at the same time, I've learned not to trust people and have become exceptionally bitter (although, I would never admit that out loud).

A dear friend of mine, close enough to be a sister, posted something on her tumblr the other day that really hit close to home. She spoke about basically being content in singleness. And she posed the question: "Would you date you?".

Now, I'm neither content nor discontent in my singleness. But the quote itself made me think deeper into who I've become. Now, I wouldn't trade what I know now to the naivete of my mind then, but at the same time, I would almost rather still think highly of people right off the bat.

I actually used to be a really nice person. I thought well of almost everyone, and rarely allowed myself to really expect the worst. I trusted people, and I trusted that everyone has some good in them. I trusted, but was let down. And I was let down hard and painfully.

There was a time when I wouldn't admit the pain I felt because of Braydon leaving. There was a time when I would insist that his disappearance was okay. But, if I were truly honest, it hurt. It still hurts. It's like the harshest form of rejection, however unknowingly it was done.

At the same time, though, I'm not mad about it. I don't hold anything against him. Nothing was his fault. I just refuse to keep denying that I was hurt by him leaving. Because I was. I was hurt badly.

If I continue to be completely honest with myself, I walked away from God completely. I know deep down that He makes everything right in its time. I know that I can trust Him wholly. I know there isn't anything I can't bring to Him and He always lets me break down at His feet and never sends me on my way. But, still, I walked. I spent the better part of a year partying and drinking and playing a 'me' that wasn't me at all. I tried to make myself someone other than who I really am. I had my fun, but nothing ever felt right. I still believe in God, but the relationship I once had is now non-existent.

I've spent countless nights crying over Braydon...wondering where he is....if he's thinking of me...if he's lonely or if he has someone loving him....if he even knows that I exist. I've spent so much time hoping for his return and begging God to send him to me sooner rather than later.

But then I read that quote....would I date me?...and, sadly, I have to admit that my answer was no. I wouldn't date me. I wouldn't want anything to do with the woman I've become. The kind of man that I want to marry won't be bitter and sarcastic, so why should I be? What part of my cruel heart would attract anyone? Who am I?!

So, I've committed to learning to be true to myself again. I refuse to continue hating my circumstances. I promise myself that I will learn from my past and, though it hurts, grow from the pain I have suffered. I find no reason to take my discouragement out on others, and I refuse to do it anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be the sarcastic girl I've always been. I will always know how to laugh. But I refuse to allow my sarcasm and my humor to be infused with the bitterness of a broken heart.

Life goes on. Braydon may or may not come back. I am better for having had the divine opportunity to share a part of my life with him, and if I am lucky I may be able to spend the rest of it with him. But, regardless the outcome, I will make myself dateable again. I want to be someone that people want to know...that people want to be friends with...that he will want to marry.

There's a certain allure to seeing the world in a negative light. It's almost a promise that you'll never allow yourself to be disappointed. But where is the joy in living a life where everything and everyone doesn't see your best face? Where is the joy in never seeing the good in things?

I'm finding myself again. I'm finding my relationship with God again. I'm becoming the woman I was before, and I refuse to let myself keep seeing the worst in things before I see the best. Not only does it hurt me, but it hurts others, whether I know them in person or not.

I will be someone you want to marry. I am by no means perfect, and my past struggles against my heart, but I am and always have been the same girl at heart. I'm just going to let you see that in me again.

xx

take my hand in the meantime.

I convince myself daily that I've 'moved on'. My life moves forward just fine every day. I don't feel like I've put my life on hold. But I guess I have. Some things aren't meant to leave our hearts, I guess. I haven't quite figured out how I feel about that. It's almost too much, sometimes. I keep living vicariously through my memories. I keep crying because I feel like Jonathan and Sara in Serendipity...I feel like I am meant for him, but we met and were meant to live our lives separately for a while until we just happen to run into each other one day.

It's hard to live your life knowing the person you're meant to be with, but not knowing where they are or if they think of you or if they even know you exist.

I fight with myself. I try not to think I'm pathetic. But, in reality, I know that I probably am. I mean, here I am 4 years after he told me he loved me, still holding on. Here I am...4 years later still waiting for someone that I never even met in person. Someone that left at some point, and I had no idea until the person that lied to me finally fessed up.

I keep looking around, hoping there is even a guy that I can watch and see that there are guys that I can get along with that easily. But there isn't one. I haven't even met one that is even a tenth of what Braydon was to me. I don't want anyone else, but I keep hoping that I will at least see someone that has those traits...someone to remind me that he is possible.

You know, I think that the only person that won't think I'm pathetic is him. He'll likely be the only one to ever be thankful for the constant thoughts of him. All I ever write about is him. When I touch on my emotions, he's the first thing and the last thing to come to mind. Do I have no other emotions?

You were my ticket outta here.
I was your dream come true.
You gave me everything I ever wanted, except for you.
I convinced myself that over don't mean over.
I convinced myself that I could fix it all.
Two dreams collided. Maybe we got too excited for our own good.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding each other while the world's all breaking.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
I convinced myself that nothing could ever tear me away.
I convinced myself that we'd look back and laugh at this one day.
Two lives collided. Maybe we got too excited for our own good.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding our breath while the truth all breaks it.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you know that this is where the whole thing went wrong.
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you wanna hear what I have to say?
Hey, wait. Hey, don't you know that this is where the strong will go on?
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
Was you.
No more 'Hold on. We can make it.'
No more holding each other while the world tries to break us.
Move on. You know we'll be stronger in the end.
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
All I ever wanted,
Was you.