Pain & Memories

Some of us are blessed with stories that read like fairy tales...moments that leave us smiling and thanking the powers that be that we have such beautiful things to cherish.

Others of us are cursed with memories...memories of wrongs against us that broke us down and shattered our faith.  Pains that never truly disappear.

I am a heartbreaking mix of both.

My life and memories up until a few years ago were perfect...they were the fairy tale everyone dreams of.  The laughter and the smiles that everyone envies.  I loved (and still love) a man who was everything I had ever prayed for and everything that I had ever secretly wished for in a man.  And he was the perfect echo of my soul.  He was the prototype for the perfect soulmate...when people dream of that person, that person is modeled after him.  He was my heart and my life.

I don't know how or why...I don't know what God's plan was or is...all I know is that he's gone.  I don't know if he'll ever be back, but every part of me wishes and prays that he will be.  But the fairy tale ended when he was no longer part of my life.

The only relationship I've ever had since then was a good one, but it broke me.  I am to a point emotionally that I have completely written off the possibility of me ever finding and loving someone ever again.  As I try to maintain a functioning friendship with the man I dated, I am only ever faced with the excruciating pain that the relationship was wrought with.  I want so badly to forget.  I want to be able to forgive.  But every time I come close, he walks out on our friendship again, throwing the dirt & rocks behind him that were the memories I can't free myself of.

I watched The Vow for the first time tonight.  In watching it, I realized that what's in our hearts never truly changes.  But not everyone has the opportunity to start again...people like me are forced to file away the pains those we love have caused us and hope that there is never a time when our hearts and minds see fit to pull them out of that part of our brains.

I miss Braydon so much.  And I pray that one day he'll be a part of my life again.  My heart is his...and that is one thing in my life that I feel I've never been betrayed by.  I love him.  Someday I hope to touch his face and hold him and tell him just that.

And I want so badly to not lose my friend Brian.  But we have a lot of problems that no matter how I try to move on from them, my heart cannot seem to detach from.  Every time he seemingly gives up on trying to grow and forgive, I find myself drudging through the amounts of extreme pain that he's caused and the terrible reactions I've had.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to keep from thinking of those things...and they only come up again when he's hurt me again.  I need time away, I think...because I want to keep that friendship...I need it...but I can't keep that friendship when the bad keeps trying to overwhelm the good.

Some memories are the most beautiful and perfect moments of our lives...others are the ones that cause as much physical pain as emotional.

I just need to find a 'happy' medium.