All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

I need to start writing again.  I'm constantly broken, it seems, with no outlet to let my feelings slide around and be released.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I used to be so aware of where I was and who I was becoming.  But I don't know anymore.  What's sad is that no one cares but me.  There isn't a single person that gives a rip if I cry myself to sleep at night.  There isn't a single person that cares whether I am cheerful at work or sad.  No one cares if I don't do laundry for 3 months.  I'd be one of those people on CSI that no one knew had died until a few months after the fact.  I'm alone...I'm just invisible.

I think I was invisible before, but people were invisible with me...and those people were the people that valued every echo of my heart...they were the people that showed me exactly what it felt like to be loved unconditionally, no matter what parts of my heart I chose to show.

I don't know what I want anymore.  I used to have direction.  I used to be in love.  I used to know where I was supposed to go.  But not anymore.  If anything, I'm lost.  I can't even find where the light is coming through the trees.  I'm lost.  I don't know what direction I should be going in order to keep myself from falling down permanently.

I used to spend every waking moment wishing for a love that would engulf me completely.  I used to want nothing more than to feel what it feels like to be romanced.

Even more heartbreaking than all of this, is that I used to have that love.  I used to have everything I ever wanted.  But I guess I was meant to be alone.  I was never meant to be able to hold and love and kiss the man I loved so dearly.  I was only meant to know he existed and never get the chance to see him.  Every day that I'm alone I fall apart because I'm going through each day without him.

But there is nothing that I can do to make him come back.  There isn't a single thing that I can sing or write or say or do that will change the fact that he's gone. 

He told me once that that kind of love is a what if kind of love...that you'll always be wondering about that person...so much so that you will never be able to love the one you're with because part of you will always belong to someone else.

I miss him so much.  He was the breath that kept me from suffocating...he was my level, the one person that could keep me centered...he was the only person that every knew what it took to keep my world from spinning.

And yet, here I am, spinning out of control with no chance of stopping because I don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore.  I am always going to be alone if he's not here.  There's no one else that loves me the way he did...no one else that made my heart feel so at ease.

I guess that I just don't know how to be anything but empty anymore.  He's gone and I can't change that.  But I also can't change the fact that I can't be completely happy or completely me without him.  He is the sole reason I am who I am today and the reason that I am not as weak as I once was.  He is the reason I have grown into a strong woman...he is Samson's hair to me...with him gone, I am not as strong as I once was.

But how to bring home someone that you can't find anymore??  How do you draw in your heart if your heart is across the sea somewhere only they know?  I miss the echo of my heart.  I miss knowing someone understood me.  I miss being treated as if I meant something wonderful to someone.

Until he comes home, I'll be heartbroken and utterly shattered for the rest of my life.





xx