Some of us are blessed with stories that read like fairy tales...moments that leave us smiling and thanking the powers that be that we have such beautiful things to cherish.
Others of us are cursed with memories...memories of wrongs against us that broke us down and shattered our faith. Pains that never truly disappear.
I am a heartbreaking mix of both.
My life and memories up until a few years ago were perfect...they were the fairy tale everyone dreams of. The laughter and the smiles that everyone envies. I loved (and still love) a man who was everything I had ever prayed for and everything that I had ever secretly wished for in a man. And he was the perfect echo of my soul. He was the prototype for the perfect soulmate...when people dream of that person, that person is modeled after him. He was my heart and my life.
I don't know how or why...I don't know what God's plan was or is...all I know is that he's gone. I don't know if he'll ever be back, but every part of me wishes and prays that he will be. But the fairy tale ended when he was no longer part of my life.
The only relationship I've ever had since then was a good one, but it broke me. I am to a point emotionally that I have completely written off the possibility of me ever finding and loving someone ever again. As I try to maintain a functioning friendship with the man I dated, I am only ever faced with the excruciating pain that the relationship was wrought with. I want so badly to forget. I want to be able to forgive. But every time I come close, he walks out on our friendship again, throwing the dirt & rocks behind him that were the memories I can't free myself of.
I watched The Vow for the first time tonight. In watching it, I realized that what's in our hearts never truly changes. But not everyone has the opportunity to start again...people like me are forced to file away the pains those we love have caused us and hope that there is never a time when our hearts and minds see fit to pull them out of that part of our brains.
I miss Braydon so much. And I pray that one day he'll be a part of my life again. My heart is his...and that is one thing in my life that I feel I've never been betrayed by. I love him. Someday I hope to touch his face and hold him and tell him just that.
And I want so badly to not lose my friend Brian. But we have a lot of problems that no matter how I try to move on from them, my heart cannot seem to detach from. Every time he seemingly gives up on trying to grow and forgive, I find myself drudging through the amounts of extreme pain that he's caused and the terrible reactions I've had. I don't know if I'll ever be able to keep from thinking of those things...and they only come up again when he's hurt me again. I need time away, I think...because I want to keep that friendship...I need it...but I can't keep that friendship when the bad keeps trying to overwhelm the good.
Some memories are the most beautiful and perfect moments of our lives...others are the ones that cause as much physical pain as emotional.
I just need to find a 'happy' medium.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye
I need to start writing again. I'm constantly broken, it seems, with no outlet to let my feelings slide around and be released.
I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be so aware of where I was and who I was becoming. But I don't know anymore. What's sad is that no one cares but me. There isn't a single person that gives a rip if I cry myself to sleep at night. There isn't a single person that cares whether I am cheerful at work or sad. No one cares if I don't do laundry for 3 months. I'd be one of those people on CSI that no one knew had died until a few months after the fact. I'm alone...I'm just invisible.
I think I was invisible before, but people were invisible with me...and those people were the people that valued every echo of my heart...they were the people that showed me exactly what it felt like to be loved unconditionally, no matter what parts of my heart I chose to show.
I don't know what I want anymore. I used to have direction. I used to be in love. I used to know where I was supposed to go. But not anymore. If anything, I'm lost. I can't even find where the light is coming through the trees. I'm lost. I don't know what direction I should be going in order to keep myself from falling down permanently.
I used to spend every waking moment wishing for a love that would engulf me completely. I used to want nothing more than to feel what it feels like to be romanced.
Even more heartbreaking than all of this, is that I used to have that love. I used to have everything I ever wanted. But I guess I was meant to be alone. I was never meant to be able to hold and love and kiss the man I loved so dearly. I was only meant to know he existed and never get the chance to see him. Every day that I'm alone I fall apart because I'm going through each day without him.
But there is nothing that I can do to make him come back. There isn't a single thing that I can sing or write or say or do that will change the fact that he's gone.
He told me once that that kind of love is a what if kind of love...that you'll always be wondering about that person...so much so that you will never be able to love the one you're with because part of you will always belong to someone else.
I miss him so much. He was the breath that kept me from suffocating...he was my level, the one person that could keep me centered...he was the only person that every knew what it took to keep my world from spinning.
And yet, here I am, spinning out of control with no chance of stopping because I don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore. I am always going to be alone if he's not here. There's no one else that loves me the way he did...no one else that made my heart feel so at ease.
I guess that I just don't know how to be anything but empty anymore. He's gone and I can't change that. But I also can't change the fact that I can't be completely happy or completely me without him. He is the sole reason I am who I am today and the reason that I am not as weak as I once was. He is the reason I have grown into a strong woman...he is Samson's hair to me...with him gone, I am not as strong as I once was.
But how to bring home someone that you can't find anymore?? How do you draw in your heart if your heart is across the sea somewhere only they know? I miss the echo of my heart. I miss knowing someone understood me. I miss being treated as if I meant something wonderful to someone.
Until he comes home, I'll be heartbroken and utterly shattered for the rest of my life.
xx
I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be so aware of where I was and who I was becoming. But I don't know anymore. What's sad is that no one cares but me. There isn't a single person that gives a rip if I cry myself to sleep at night. There isn't a single person that cares whether I am cheerful at work or sad. No one cares if I don't do laundry for 3 months. I'd be one of those people on CSI that no one knew had died until a few months after the fact. I'm alone...I'm just invisible.
I think I was invisible before, but people were invisible with me...and those people were the people that valued every echo of my heart...they were the people that showed me exactly what it felt like to be loved unconditionally, no matter what parts of my heart I chose to show.
I don't know what I want anymore. I used to have direction. I used to be in love. I used to know where I was supposed to go. But not anymore. If anything, I'm lost. I can't even find where the light is coming through the trees. I'm lost. I don't know what direction I should be going in order to keep myself from falling down permanently.
I used to spend every waking moment wishing for a love that would engulf me completely. I used to want nothing more than to feel what it feels like to be romanced.
Even more heartbreaking than all of this, is that I used to have that love. I used to have everything I ever wanted. But I guess I was meant to be alone. I was never meant to be able to hold and love and kiss the man I loved so dearly. I was only meant to know he existed and never get the chance to see him. Every day that I'm alone I fall apart because I'm going through each day without him.
But there is nothing that I can do to make him come back. There isn't a single thing that I can sing or write or say or do that will change the fact that he's gone.
He told me once that that kind of love is a what if kind of love...that you'll always be wondering about that person...so much so that you will never be able to love the one you're with because part of you will always belong to someone else.
I miss him so much. He was the breath that kept me from suffocating...he was my level, the one person that could keep me centered...he was the only person that every knew what it took to keep my world from spinning.
And yet, here I am, spinning out of control with no chance of stopping because I don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore. I am always going to be alone if he's not here. There's no one else that loves me the way he did...no one else that made my heart feel so at ease.
I guess that I just don't know how to be anything but empty anymore. He's gone and I can't change that. But I also can't change the fact that I can't be completely happy or completely me without him. He is the sole reason I am who I am today and the reason that I am not as weak as I once was. He is the reason I have grown into a strong woman...he is Samson's hair to me...with him gone, I am not as strong as I once was.
But how to bring home someone that you can't find anymore?? How do you draw in your heart if your heart is across the sea somewhere only they know? I miss the echo of my heart. I miss knowing someone understood me. I miss being treated as if I meant something wonderful to someone.
Until he comes home, I'll be heartbroken and utterly shattered for the rest of my life.
xx
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