running 'round leaving scars

I haven't written here in a while. I wonder a lot who sees and reads which blogs of mine. If I'm writing for any reason at all. It's hard to express thoughts online without wondering where those thoughts are being heard...if they're being heard at all.

I haven't really had a lot of time to write much of anything lately. I've been busy. Not because I've decided 'hey, I want to be busy' but more because I didn't have a choice. That's not a bad thing, either. I like not having the time to sit and dwell on the perils of my life.

But sometimes, you have to.

These past few days have been that 'time' for me.

Braydon contacted me back in September. I believe that was the last time that I wrote here. Given the circumstances, it's so hard to say whether it's him or not. Until he actually arrives here, I think everyone agrees that there are a million 'unknowns'. There is so much that I can't fully trust in until he gets here. I trust God completely. And I know that, once he arrives, my heart will be at the most peace it's been in years. I already feel at ease just knowing that he's somewhere out there, loving me. But, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm slightly scared. I refuse to let myself get in too deeply until he is here, in my arms. I was scarred by Robyn so many years ago. I am afraid of being played again. And while the way that he wrote to me was the man I'd first met, I am waiting for his arrival. Desperately waiting, as my heart so wants to show him how much I still love him. The further it gets from the time I expected him, the more anxious I am becoming. I expected him last month. Here it is, the second week of February and he's still not here. I am praying for a pleasant surprise between Valentine's Day and my birthday. We will see, yeah?

Anyway, I have always known where my heart lies in that situation. I know the decisions I will face, and have already planned accordingly.

But God brings so many people into my life.

I wrote about Brian a few months ago, too. Until recently, Brian and I had stopped speaking outside of work. I am the kind of friend that will always always be there for people...I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet, even when I've been burned countless times. I have always considered myself Brian's friend, but I was not about to continue investing in a friendship that he didn't understand the meaning of. For him, walking all over me and abusing me emotionally wasn't a sign that we were on bad footing. For me, it was a red flag that it was time to fade into the shadows for a while.

And I did. I faded from his life almost entirely. At Christmas, he told me that he was in love with me and that he would be for the rest of his life. In January, he told me that he was still getting over me. Yesterday, he told me that he realized that he had made a mistake and let me go when I was the best thing to ever happen to him.

I feel for Brian. I love Brian, but I was never in love with Brian. But I can't do this. He willingly shattered my feelings daily. He chose to ignore everything good I ever did for him. But he wants back in. I want to let him in again....he was one of my best friends. But I don't know that I can....or even if I'm entirely willing. I don't know, because I know, already, that he is hoping it will go somewhere that I can't and won't ever go with him again. I know he needs me....but I think he believes he needs me for different reasons than he truly does.

My life is literally in pieces lately. Not in an 'I'm broken and need to find myself' kind of way, but in a 'let's get it all together and build it differently' kind of way. I've had pieces of my life invested all over the place, and it's time to organize all of them again. But it's hard for me to organize anything in my life because the major players aren't in place yet.

I miss Braydon. He was, very much, my inner peace...he was my Jasper...I want him home...I want my heart closer to me again.

xx