No One Gets To Stay

I find that I'm indifferent these days. But I'm not really sure what towards.

I keep learning things about myself and about my past that draw me in to realize how blinded I've always been to the truth of things around me.

I've never been one to date. I'm confident, but I tend to feel like I'm wasting people's time. Like, I know when it'll last and when it won't. And, for that reason, I don't like to string guys along through relationships that I knew were doomed to begin with.

But something changed recently. Something in me tells me that I should let someone in sometimes. That I shouldn't just write off guys in my life just because it's not going to lead to marriage. That there are a vast number of things that these men can teach me about myself and that I can teach them about themselves...things that will push each of us closer to who we're truly meant to be with.

God is amazing how he works those things out, too. Right about the time my eyes were opened to this possibility, I was getting the inkling that UTS was going to tell me 'no' this year and that I was going to be stuck in Memphis for at least another 18 months.

Shortly after that, I met a guy. Now, I can tell you right now that there is no long term future for him and I. But I feel right with him...I feel like there's so much that is being filled in and so much that is overflowing. I feel like he's someone I'm meant to be with.

He's a wonderful guy. One of the best I've ever known. He's sweet, respectful, gentle, affectionate, and independent. He's got a smile that could melt the coldest hearts and eyes that just scream adoration.

And he wants to be with me. ME! Who would have ever thought?!

So, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and letting him in....little by little, granted, my I'm making an effort. Maybe he can tear down my walls? Maybe he'll be the one I trust with my secrets. Maybe he'll be the one to understand why I haven't let anyone in.....until now.

Maybe he'll be all of these things without me telling him anything.

My heart still beats for one man...and likely always will have a beat completely separate from the rest of me. But there's no reason that I can't make an effort to love again. Who knows? Brian might be the very thing that sets me free.


xx