I still write your name...

I read a quote that I posted on Twitter the other day...it said 'I tell people I'm over you, but when I get out a pen, I always write your name'....or something like that. It really hit home with me. Except, I don't get out a pen...every single time I go to write something, it's about you.

I made myself a promise this year to not look for you. By God's grace, I have been able to keep that promise to myself. That's not to say that it isn't hard still. I struggle with the thought of you being somewhere out there and I don't know you anymore. I miss you so much that I can hardly believe I'm still breathing sometimes.

I had convinced myself you didn't exist. Granted, I still cried and I still begged God for you, but I made myself believe that you were a fabrication...someone that someone else made up for fun. But the you that I met initially was totally different from the you I knew as fake...the man I met was so perfectly my match, that I have a hard time these days convincing myself that you weren't real.

So that leads me to where I am these days. I live my life fully. I adore every day that I am blessed with. But part of me is missing. I am happy and mostly content...but I still want you. I still need you. I still pray every night for you. I still write you letters. I still cry at songs that remind me of you. I still feel guilty when another guy shows me attention. I still kick myself for letting you go.

Where are you? I wonder sometimes just how long I will have to wait for you. I know you're out there somewhere. I know that, in time, God will bring us together. But where are you? What are you doing? Do you think of me? Did you wait for me? Do you wish things had gone smoother for us?

I don't like how things turned out...right now. But I know that if things hadn't gone the way they did, our story wouldn't be nearly the statement of strength, patience, and undying love. Someday I know I'll get my chance. Someday God will set up that meeting. I wish that day was today. I can't wait for our time to come.

I love you still. I hope you always remember that...no matter where you are, what you're doing....let that be a boost of strength...just know that someone out there loves you...and while we haven't met yet......know I love you all the more.

xx